as said by my music history professor on tuesday:
“it’s been said that the unexamined life is not worth living. i would also venture to say that the OVER-examined life isn’t worth living, either.”
classroom profundity September 2, 2010
big little things August 24, 2010
i’ve realized that in the past week, so many little, wonderful things have happened that have made me smile or laugh…and i haven’t taken time to write them down or even share them with anybody, because before i know it i’m on to the next thing, the next errand, and more often than not, something stressful sweeps in and takes over.
you can lose touch with a lot of beauty that way.
so today i was trying to focus on the little things, that beautiful things.
the butterfly that flew alongside me while i was running today.
the neighbor’s sprinkler that gave me an impromptu shower while i was running!
the street in lexington named Pink Pigeon Parkway.
the cashier who said he like my TWLOHA shirt, and the subtle acknowledgment we then had for one another.
my new yoga bag.
the soreness in my shoulders from yesterday’s yoga class–my first class in almost a month.
the best snack EVER: a wheat wrap with cream cheese and grape jelly.
little things i may, on another day, have brushed aside or forgotten about in the shuffle of the day.
and, just because: i took this picture last night. i look terrified and i don’t know why. but i kind of rather like it.
it’s here August 23, 2010
this is what i was waiting for: a routine i can embrace, feel good in.
early morning yoga. classes/meetings/teaching during the day. breaks built in to make/eat lunch, grab coffee, get a quick slice of sunlight. a running schedule that i trust, so therefore i know i will stick to it and not try and double it in hopes of running faster or longer or better by doing so.
it’s a good day.
java jot August 22, 2010
is it weird that coffee calms me down? that sitting and sipping a mug of…well, caffeine and splenda…almost instantaneously makes me feel settled?
and just because:
I am a work in progress
dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding
offering me intricate patterns of questions
rhythms that never come clean
and strengths that you still haven’t seen
–ani difranco, “the slant”
and the beat goes on August 22, 2010
the tunnel-vision and near-sightedness of extreme emotional pain are really quite frightening. in that moment, when you are so intensely overwhelmed, you may very well be absolutely certain that this will never get better. that you will never get over it, never be able to live with the pain.
in those moments, your pain is the only thing you know. and it is so all-consuming that you can’t imagine every resurfacing from its depths.
on tuesday, that was me.
i feel like i’m screaming into the worst headwind you’ve ever felt. screaming and screaming but not making a sound; it all gets pushed back down my throat. or maybe it’s being pushed back at the exact same rate i’m trying to expel it; in that, we’re creating this stunning equilibrium, the wind and i. a moment where movement ceases, molecules hang suspended in exquisite limbo.
there’s something frighteningly still laying in wait, somewhere deep in my solar plexus. i can feel it stir and tighten, a fetus of nesting emotion. and the longer i sit and wait, the more tightly wound it becomes. its potential energy can only accumulate so much before it explodes into a fireball of kinesis.
i don’t think i’ll be able to handle it when that happens.
i am very surely convinced that i cannot do this. not that i can’t do it anymore, which is my usual phrase. but no…i simply cannot do this. right here, right now. i cannot, in this moment, do…this. i am not a human being right now. i am a distended shell, fabrige about to shatter from the inside out. nothing appeals to me. smiling seems like the most extreme effort i can imagine. i’m exhausted in a way that sinks way deep into my bones. i feel as though, at any given moment, i could just collapse. and if i were to simply crumble…i don’t think i would care enough to expend the effort to get back up.
i was a disaster. a mess. and so deeply entrenched in my own disastrous messiness that i could see no way out. even when, twenty-four hours prior, i had been bubbling over with the giddy happiness of a new semester and beginning to teach and life in general.
how quickly it all can change.
on monday i loved life.
tuesday (monday night, really), everything came crashing down and it was a struggle to even function. and i was so enmeshed in the layers of my pain that i couldn’t see a way out. even though there was one, always will be one.
wednesday i had a sadness hangover. but i forced myself to at least smile. as the day went on, the effort involved to do so became less and less.
thursday, i felt like me again. with a little more experience and a bit of caution, yes. but the horrible apathy toward living that had engulfed me just a few days prior had lifted.
and so it goes.
jot August 17, 2010
this is one of the worst days i can remember.
on the upside, i produced some really stunning writing.
this blog has become nothing but a vessel for p365. which is overdue.
if your stomach is on the right, your heart is on the left, and both hurt too much to handle…on which side do you lie to try and get some peace?
learning… August 14, 2010
in an effort to dig myself out of the sinewy recesses of my mind, i shall instead regale you with all of the fun things i have learned since moving to kentucky.
1. it’s hot. really freaking hot.
2. and humid, that too.
3. if you’re going to go running, do it before 8AM or after 11PM.
4. don’t look at all of the people out running between 8AM and 11PM and think, “well if they can then so can i!” they live here; you just moved here from new york. ergo, no you can’t.
5. panera does not sell iced coffee. they have iced tea, and they have sweet tea. if you want iced coffee, you need to pour yourself a cup of hot coffee, let it cool, and then add ice. it’s a process. learn to deal.
6. people (okay, males) seem to think it is okay, appropriate, and maybe even endearing to cat-call out their car/truck windows as they drive past. no matter how angry this makes you…throwing your phone after them will only result in (a)the loss of your phone, and (b)having to pay for the back window you just busted.
7. people will talk to you. a lot. random people, whom you have never met and will probably never meet again. they just like to be friendly. and if you play along, you’ll find that it’s actually quite enjoyable.
8. according to everyone down here, you talk funny. and fast.
9. did i mention that it’s hot?
10. and humid?
multiplicity August 11, 2010
“There is so much more to being beautiful than just having a pleasant looking face. You want someone to say, ‘Wow, look at her. She is courageous. She is a risk taker. She is confident. She is generous & giving & loving. She is kind. She is beautiful.“
makes me wonder about the kind of beauty i should spend my energies trying to achieve.
August 6, 2010
i miss the sound of your voice
i miss the rush of your skin
i miss the still of the silence
when you breathe out and i breathe in
if i could walk on water
if i could tell you what’s next
make you believe
make you forget
i know this is a growing experience, a strengthening experience. i just wish it were easier…
kentucky, week one August 5, 2010
things have been insane. it’s Day Four of my life in the great state of kentucky. for the most part, i’m loving everything. i feel very at ease and at home here, which is strange seeing as i’m 750 miles from home.
there have been a few meltdowns. financial stress, relational panic, academic apprehension. but it’s all falling into place.
i’m learning that my body needs to acclimate to the humidity. i cant run the distances i’m used to, or i will vomit. end of story. and i’m not good at the whole “slowly building up” thing. so…learning as i go. the thought of tossing my cookies on the sidewalk for all passer-byers to witness is good incentive to listen to my body, though.
my apartment is almost completely set up. i have a dining set being shipped because none of the bb&bs in kentucky carried it. so in two weeks’ time, i will have a completely furnished apartment.
my adventurous spirit has been forced out these past few days, and i enjoy it a lot. this is all one big adventure. so i’m trying to be bold and carefree and roll with the punches. we’ll see how it goes.
