don’t you ever wish you could just…restart? a moment, an hour, a day, an event. sometimes I wish so fervently for a rewind button that I forget that the rest of the world around me is still in “play.”
I focus so much on wishing I could change or redo the past that I miss what’s going on in the present.
and if I allow it to be, the present can be pretty darn awesome.
my morning wasn’t going so hot. body image was a wreck. I hated everything.
I drove to goshen and went for an exploratory run–didn’t get too lost, and made it back to my car in time to change for yoga.
took an hour-long yin yoga class.
journaled outside for a bit while the farmer’s market bustled away.
came home, made an awesome lunch, and then lay outside reading and relaxing.
showered and collapsed in our super-comfy round cushiony chair with my cross-stitching.
and now I haz the happiez.
sometimes just slowing down is all I need. when I get upset my mind goes hyper-speed; I start to panic, to mentally hyperventilate and whirl in crazed circles. and then I get frustrated because I get overwhelmed.
slowing down. doing things that make me feel good, that calm and quiet the insanity in my head. playing music that pulls me into a positive spirit. feeling the sun on my skin, the grass under my feet.
then I don’t feel so panicked. I’m not overwhelmed by this intense, anxious, insatiable desire for…something. happiness, calm, the “perfect” body, who the hell knows. but when my mind is spinning like that, I’m overwhelmed by a desperate sense of want. it’s difficult to put into words. but it’s a tightness in your gut and a whirring in your head that makes your throat close and your hands shake.
it sucks.
but slowing down and surviving it makes the next time seem less intimidating.
as I always have said: I am a work in progress.
I have a handful of goals for the summer. among them are biking more, existing and thriving without a gym membership, giving myself over to as much yoga as I need and want, and making it a point to enjoy all of the wonderful things in my life.
I want to come back to writing. it helped keep me strong in recovery, as did (and does) p365. but especially writing/blogging, because once I get going, I start challenging the automatic thoughts and assumptions and notions. the ones that are irrational and illogical and born completely of an eating disordered mind.
I am coming back to writing to come back to myself. because I have so many wonderful, amazing things to not only live for, but live fully for. picking up the pieces is a part of the journey; making them stay together is the next big step.
the sunday morning hot yoga instructor is on a chakra kick…he’s focusing on a different one every practice for the next seven weeks. yesterday was muladhara day.
“Muladhara, or root chakra, is related to instinct, security, survival and also to basic human potentiality. It is responsible for the “fight or flight” response when survival is under threat. Muladhara is symbolized by a lotus with four petals and the colour red. Key issues involve sexuality, lust and obsession. Physically, Muladhara governs sexuality, mentally it governs stability, emotionally it governs sensuality, and spiritually it governs a sense of security.”
after I got over that fact that I spent ninety minutes begin told to spread my toes and ground through my feet (and now have the sore calves to remind me haha), I started thinking about the other things the instructor talked about. specifically, about how blocks in this chakra can effect you. he kept stressing fear–since it’s the chakra involved with survival, it is strongly connected to fear.
he challenged us to remain present, remain grounded. suggested that, in those moments when we find ourselves irritable or frustrated or angry, that it may be our reaction to fear, and that we may need to ground ourselves, come back to the present.
I have quite definitely not been myself lately. I’ve felt indescribably off. and while I can point to any number of possible, potential reasons and stressors (traveling to kentucky in less than a month for a grad school interview, needing to get my ass in gear for said interview/piano exam, recital on saturday, the opera opening in two weeks, classes starting the day after tomorrow, my senior recital looming more and more), none of them seem…quite right. maybe it is a combination of any or all of them. but that reasoning doesn’t resonate with me.
I hate not being able to articulate what’s going on, not being able to pick out what exactly is bothering me. because if I can’t figure out where the glitch is, I feel helpless to fix it.
maybe I should focus on grounding myself these next few days, especially with classes starting on wednesday and the late nights of rehearsals beginning with them. grounding, being the present. this semester is already going to fly by; I don’t need to be so mentally charged up that I exacerbate the problem.
leave it to yoga to get me thinking.
sometimes I feel like recovery is one big mind game. the behaviors are one thing, but the mental shit is the real bastard to deal with.
when I’m really solid and strong, I can literally see the thoughts running across my mind’s eye like a teleprompter. and I can put up the wall that stops them from going any further. it’s my own mental “bug on the windshield” situation, I guess.
but when things aren’t going so well, I feel like the thoughts are racing by too quickly for me to catch, and before I know it they’re there, embedded in my brain, and I’m all of a sudden buying into them, believing them, almost by default.
I guess sometimes you’re the windshield…and sometimes, you’re just the friggin bug.
.getting the giggles.
.feeling your hand fit perfectly inside of someone else’s.
.fluffy puppy fur.
.trying out new makeup.
.being close to someone but wanting to be even closer, just because.
.feeling the world dissolve around you except for the one thing you’re intently focused on.
.being so excited all you can do is laugh, and sometimes squeal.
.nicknames.
.family dinners.
.overflowing with love, out of the blue.
the little things, the simple things. the best things in the world.
when I was studying DBT, the most difficult skill for me by far was “acting opposite.” I forget what module that one is in, maybe Distress Tolerance…but regardless, I struggled and struggled with it. and in the process of that struggling, I got in my own way. I over-thought, over-analyzed, over-stressed. I was so insecure in my ability to conquer my disorder that I clung to it even harder. I was afraid to surrender myself wholly to recovery, or at that time, simply to trying a new coping mechanism; at the time I told myself and my treatment team that I was afraid I would fail, that I just simply wouldn’t be able to do it. in retrospect, I wonder how much of me was actually just afraid it would work, that I would discover these new ways of coping with life, and my world would get turned completely on its head.
basically, that’s what happened. five years later, but it happened nonetheless.
it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. or rather, it’s the best thing I’ve ever allowed to happen to me.
today at yoga, the instructor was in a lotus mood. I have nothing against lotus; however, the three injured and /or ruptured ligaments in my knee do. I sprained my LCL in november; lotus is probably the worst thing I can do for it, and it hurts like a bastard. I held my own pretty well until the very end when it was just too painful…and I got so frustrated. frustrated with my body, frustrated with myself at large. it really ruined the practice for me, which is probably the most frustrating thing at all.
driving home I was still furious and cranky, and could see how this could completely destroy my entire day and it was only 10:30 in the morning.
which is when “acting opposite” popped into my head. maybe it wasn’t so much acting as it was thinking opposite, but sometimes I think changing negative internal monologue is even more difficult than changing behaviors!
instead of fuming over the class and my knee, I thought about the good points of the class–some fun planks and side planks, a cool new arm balance, some great vinyasa flows in the beginning. it occurred to me that every class is not going to be the phenomenal, empowering experience I want it to be; that’s what makes those wonderful, exhilarating classes that much more special.
by the time I hit my exit of the highway, most of the frustration had dissipated. and that’s when I realized that I had done the one thing I used to tell my treatment team I just couldn’t do. making the commitment to change is the hardest step. once that happens, everything else falls into place. maybe not perfectly, maybe not neatly or without skips and bumps in the road. but it happens.
after all of that…it happens. it happened.
it just occurred to me that my recital is three months from today.
it also occurred to me that in those three months’ time , I will have:
started my final semester of undergrad (1/20)
sang our senior class recital (1/23)
started and completed the opera (final show is 2/8)
sung and passed my recital jury (sometime in early february)
completed my graduate interviews & entrance exams (by mid-february)
planned and run NEDAWeek (2/21-2/28)
completed mid-terms (mid-march)
heard back from at least one grad program (UTKnox has a 3/15 notification deadline)
had my final undergrad spring break (3/13-3/21)
that is a busy-ass three months!! not to mention regular academic stuff, the usual RA stuff, trying to squeeze a weekend visit home in there somewhere…
I think about everything that’s going to be happening, this incredible whirlwind, and part of me wants to just fast-forward to the outcome–skip over the inevitable stress and anxiety and just find out which grad program I get into, if any, and what I’ll be doing in the near future.
but then the other part of me wants to drink it all in, relish every moment because it’s all unique and once-in-a-lifetime. even the stress and the tears, because there will definitely be both. but there will be excitement and awe and amazing joy, too. to get to the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain, eh?
remind me of this when I’m a puddle on the floor a month from now!
still haven’t sung a note yet today. but I did practice bach chorales and figured bass and studied theory for a bit. so not a complete academic waste thus far!
can’t wait for yoga tomorrow. the classes here are so different from the ones at WHY, so much more adventurous and unique. not that I don’t love the classes at WHY; it’s just a very different experience. both are great. but it’s a nice change of pace.
hosting Christmas Eve tomorrow. not a big crowd, only six of us. I miss when the entire family was here and we had ten to twelve on Christmas Eve, twenty or so on Christmas Day. and now (provided I get into grad school) I’ll be moving away too.
roxy’s still working on the whole ‘walking on hardwood floors’ thing. making turns are a bit rough for her. lots of skidding out happening. she’s tall enough now to hop up into the chairs…but getting down is a mess. very funny and cute, but still a mess. she’s currently eating my old running shoe.
trying to drink in these moments, the time with her and my parents and my family. even if she does have to pee every twelve minutes and drags me outside in the snow and cold. even if my mother still drives me bananas from time to time. even if the holidays and being home always inherently stress me out and put me on tenuous ground with recovery.
still drying to absorb all of the good stuff. because there’s a lot of it.
