kelly said something in class today that I can’t remember verbatim…but it was something to the effect of, ‘the way you are is the way you’re supposed to be.’ and it was so perfect and fitting.
I used to come home to NY with hour-by-hour schedules of every day planned out, thinking that would keep me safe, keep me from slamming into the inevitable recovery roadblocks that always seemed to pop up. but if one thing went wrong, I would panic and toss the whole day away as a hopeless disaster, a failure. and feeling like a failure always leads me back to my eating disorder.
I was laying on the floor playing with roxy about an hour ago. I was still (and still am) in my yoga clothes from class this morning. I didn’t go to the gym before class; class itself was cut short because kelly had an appointment. I’ve done some transposing and some theory review, a little holiday shopping, but haven’t sung a note yet today, or touched the piano.
and that’s okay.
the day is not a waste. hell, it’s not even two in the afternoon yet. there’s still so much time to do things, so much time to find joy and to accomplish what I’d like and to revel in it all. I have no agenda, no set plan. my goal is to leave today still on a path towards recovery and life and joy. if I can do that, then the day is in no way a waste. and even if I can’t do that…the day still isn’t a waste, because I can learn from it. every moment these past few months I feel like I’m learning, discovering. it’s exhilarating. thrilling. and never once has shown up on my hourly schedule for the day.