becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

spring ahead

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as a general rule, I have always detested the spring semester.  since my sophomore year at my last school, way back in the day, my trend has always been: enter school in august, cut my intake to a fraction of what it once was, lose a lot of weight, feel like shit even though I would never admit it because I felt like I was accomplishing something truly laudable. go home for winter break at a weight too low for my body.  not be able to handle a house that, oh, has food in it, since I had spent the prior four months not keeping anything edible around.  spend the following month eating and purging.  return to campus in january having gained a good amount of weight.  spend the rest of the academic year hating life, hating myself, hating home, and trying ferociously to not be so fat force my body back to a place it didn’t want to be.

this will be my first spring semester NOT like that.  and the ‘hyde’ part of my persona is trying to insist that it’s because I have been fat all along, that my fall semester was a complete failure because I did not, would not whittle myself down to an “acceptable” size.

and the ‘jekyll’ side (aka, the side I’m trying to become buddy-buddy with these days) is rejoicing, breathing a sigh of relief, because this will be the first spring I can just…be. I don’t have to worry about fitting into my opera costume, because I’m the same size as I was when my measurements were taken.  I don’t feel the need to take copious notes on every bite I eat and every minute I spend at the gym, because I’ve got a great food & workout routine that works and keeps me feeling good and keeps my body strong.  My days aren’t dictated by the number that blinks back at me from my scale every morning (or afternoon, or evening), because the damn thing’s buried underneath my bed somewhere.

I have so many things to look forward to this semester.  I have the opera, a recital in two weeks, my senior recital in two months; grad school interviews and decisions, complete with trips down to baltimore and tennessee; yoga, a 30-day bikram trial at a studio a few towns away, and maybe training for another race this summer.

I have amazing people in my life who deserve the best of me, the real me, and not the monster who emerges when I’m caught up in my disorder.

so here’s to springing into spring.  😀

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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