becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

we are the champions, my friends…

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…and we’ll keep on fighting till the end.

I currently am blaring Queen’s greatest hits album.  hence the title.  however…I enjoy it.  it is apropos.

I also stumbled upon this quotation:
“Life is divine chaos.  Embrace it.  Forgive yourself.  Breathe.  And enjoy the ride.

my p365 photo the other day was one to remind me to seek out calm amid chaos.  I meant it in terms of my two months home this summer, but it can also apply to…well, everything really.  but I’m thinking in terms of recovery, because that’s what’s been on my mind today.

finding triumphs on a day that maybe didn’t go as planned.  allowing myself to celebrate the little victories.

accepting.

I went for a bike ride this morning to clear my head.  I love riding because my mind just wanders and meanders into all of these obscure recesses of my mind.  today a theme that kept popping up was acceptance.

my recovery is unique, different from everybody else’s.
what is okay for somebody else, in their recovery, may very well not be okay for me and mine.
if I surrender myself to recovery, to listening to my body and learning from it and honoring it rather than fighting it every damn step of the way…what is meant to happen, will happen.
my body will never exist, in a healthy way, at the size which I feel is ideal and acceptable and most aesthetically pleasing.  <– this is huge for me.  I need to accept this.  fully.  not just say it and half-ass buy into it.

I cannot work out the way I used to.  I just…can’t. it wasn’t a healthy habit for me.  maybe the amount that I was exercising was healthy; maybe it wasn’t.  I don’t even know any more.  but the intent was skewed.  in my quest to listen to and honor my body, I need to also find things to do with my physical self that feel good, that I enjoy, that make me feel strong and capable and happy.

I love yoga for its quiet fire.  there are no machines and no timers and no heavy weights, but at the same time you’re asking so much of yourself.  physically, but also mentally and spiritually.  it’s as much a mental and emotional practice as it is a physical one.  I was only able to maintain balance poses once I stopped doubting myself and judging; my mind was getting in the way of my body.

I’m thrilled to be biking again because of the carefree nature of it.  and I live in rolling hill central, so there are lots of fun ups and downs to peruse.  : )

I struggle with running.  I think I enjoy it.  but I don’t think I enjoy it enough to train like I used to, to race and plan detailed runs.  I much rather enjoy just lacing up and going.  maybe it’ll be a short run, maybe it’ll be longer, maybe I’ll get lost and it’ll end up being longer whether I want it to be or not.

recovery is its own divine chaos.

here’s to trying, in this moment, to enjoy the ride.

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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