becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

recipe for the happiez

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my morning wasn’t going so hot.  body image was a wreck.  I hated everything.

I drove to goshen and went for an exploratory run–didn’t get too lost, and made it back to my car in time to change for yoga.

took an hour-long yin yoga class.

journaled outside for a bit while the farmer’s market bustled away.

came home, made an awesome lunch, and then lay outside reading and relaxing.

showered and collapsed in our super-comfy round cushiony chair with my cross-stitching.

and now I haz the happiez.

sometimes just slowing down is all I need.  when I get upset my mind goes hyper-speed; I start to panic, to mentally hyperventilate and whirl in crazed circles.  and then I get frustrated because I get overwhelmed.

slowing down.  doing things that make me feel good, that calm and quiet the insanity in my head.  playing music that pulls me into a positive spirit.  feeling the sun on my skin, the grass under my feet.

then I don’t feel so panicked.  I’m not overwhelmed by this intense, anxious, insatiable desire for…something. happiness, calm, the “perfect” body, who the hell knows.  but when my mind is spinning like that, I’m overwhelmed by a desperate sense of want. it’s difficult to put into words.  but it’s a tightness in your gut and a whirring in your head that makes your throat close and your hands shake.

it sucks.

but slowing down and surviving it makes the next time seem less intimidating.

as I always have said: I am a work in progress.

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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