“if you’re not trying to make things better,
then as far as I can tell
you’re just in the way”
i‘m moving to kentucky in twenty days. but who’s counting.
i had my first real, colossal meltdown the other day. tears, panic, suddenly very desperately not wanting to go. i chose the wrong field, the wrong school, the wrong apartment. i’m not smart enough, i’ll never get my thesis approved, i won’t be able to come home for thanksgiving because flights are too expensive.
by the time i wok up the next day, i felt a lot better. but it came and went all day. sometimes i think about it and i’m so excited i could scream; a minute later all i can see are the flaws, the what-ifs, the potential for disaster.
there is, i know, a great potential for greatness here. beyond the academia, too. the personal growth, the strengthening of my recovery and of my faith in myself. this is quite possibly the most frightening thing i’ve ever done.
which is precisely why i need to do it.
the scariest things i have ever done, have almost always amounted to the most rewarding experiences.
so three weeks from now i will be setting up my new apartment in lexington. buying things and unpacking and organizing, re-organizing, settling in.
it’s frightening and exhilarating, makes me want to run and hide and makes me want to surge forward. it all depends on how i look at it.