becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

stack the deck…and knock it the hell over


sometimes, a situation has so many things wrong with it that it comes around full circle and works out beautifully.

i’m in this insanely tumultuous point on my life–just finished college, getting ready to move twelve hours away start grad school.  plugging away at a recovery that has eluded me for five years.

in the midst of it all, i get involved in my first really serious relationship, and my first relationship with a woman.

on paper, to an outsider, this relationship should not happen.  or at the very least, it shouldn’t survive.

we’re two women in recovery.  we feel deeply and intensely, struggle and battle our demons ferociously.  we think one another is the most beautiful creature on earth, but fight to like or even tolerate ourselves.

i’ve had friendships with other people with eating disorders that quickly turned destructive.  this relationship could have very well been the same.

instead, it is the complete opposite.

recovery has become so much more of a priority for me now because i know that without it, i can’t fully exist in this relationship.  and i have a partner who knows exactly what i’m going through, the triumphs and the frustrations, because she’s feeling it to in her own recovery.

this is a relationship that a lot of people probably would say should never have happened.  but it did.  and it’s amazing.  and in ten years when we’re in our thirties and juggling work and kids and one another, and school and yoga and teaching, i fully expect to be so caught up in loving life that my eating disorder will only be a faint echo in the distance.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

2 thoughts on “stack the deck…and knock it the hell over

  1. This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I could make a similar list. D and I talk all the time about how funny it is that we “shouldn’t” work together, but we just DO.

    I am SO FREAKING GLAD that you have someone who understands you, who lifts you, who reminds you to breath, who helps you get back up when you are too weak to do it alone. YOU DESERVE THAT.

    and I can’t wait to hang out with you, when we are both in our thirties, happily married, with great careers and a little one or two running around… Life is great, isn’t it??

    • ❤ aaaah i can't wait for that either!! SO fun. : ) it's been such an AMAZING journey so far–i've never bee so excited before to see what comes next!!


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