this is what a good friend of mine asked me today on the phone, only a few hours after it was decided that my fiancee and i are canceling (postponing, actually – it feels like cancellation regardless) our wedding.
“seriously, if that were me…i’d be breaking shit.”
and we laughed because everybody knows that i’m a terror. a fireball with a temper to be feared. punching lockers used to be a regular occurrence when i was in high school, even middle school. to put it mildly: i’m not exactly cool, calm, and collected.
but here i was, having this phone conversation as i walked home from teaching a spin workshop, as calm and rational as could be.
i wish i could say it’s because i trust that what Fate has in store for me is beautiful and wonderful and this will all work out in the end. i wish, from the bottom of my calm little heart, that i could say it’s because i have the utmost faith in the power and perseverance of true love and i know that what’s meant to be, will be. god, i wish i was that gracious.
but no. let’s be honest, here – i’m not that gracious, or anything even close.
i was calm because i’m conserving my damn energy. because since 2012 started it has just been an avalanche of shit. my mom died. my relationship, the one i thought was a fortress, collapsed like a house of cards. we went on a ‘break’ and i walked around for an entire weekend – easter weekend, the first major holiday without my mom – with a naked ring finger, trying to remember that inhaling comes after exhaling and that jaws aren’t supposed to be permanently clenched. and now the wedding is off indefinitely.
i’m calm because, goddammit, i will walk out of this with composure. if it kills me, i will claw tooth and nail to make this look effortless. because i’m sick of feeling broken. and i plan on making sure that the list of people who see me break can be neatly counted on one hand.
still waters run deep.