becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

lifted.

7 Comments

in the past week, i have become more and more aware of how loved i am by people here, and how quickly i have built a home in a place that was recently so frighteningly new.

my advisor spent the entire day with me today – drove me to the hospital, sat with me in pre-op for TWO HOURS because i was so dehydrated i needed 2 liters of fluid before i could give them their damn urine sample, (to my defense – they told me not to drink or eat past midnight, and my pre-op appointment wasn’t until 9:30. what was i supposed to be peeing out, exactly?), stocked me up on easy-to-grab foodstuffs, got my prescriptions for me, went to subway and got me dinner. and in between it all we just talked and laughed and killed time.

i have gotten offers from students and classmates to help me out, bring me food, drive me to PT, and come over for movie nights. the best part is that most of them know how stubborn and proud i am, so they simply won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

when i think of these past few months, oftentimes i feel only the drum-tight pain of my mother’s death; the hollowness of a wedding cancelled; the gut-wrenching sadness of losing my puppy; and recently, the stress and panic of not only a major surgery, but the implications it will have on my life and my recovery.

but in focusing on the pain, i neglect all of the beauty: the brightest and most entertaining and hard-working batch of students i ever could have asked for; the completion of a master’s thesis project that was innovative and honestly, a blast to do, and may also lead to conferences and presentations in the near future that would be of great professional importance; yoga students that have completely changed my life in so many ways – with their openness, their love of adventure, and their willingness to let me be a part of their various life journeys; family and friends that have rallied around me and lifted me up, again and a again, when i have threatened to crumble; and now, even as i’m laying here full of percocet and oxycontin with a completely numb right leg, i am so amazed and grateful for the beautiful souls in my life who are offering their time, food, cars, and company just to help me heal.

if i ever need a reminder of how blessed i am…here it is.

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

7 thoughts on “lifted.

  1. “even as i’m laying here full of percocet and oxycontin”
    Well, color me jealous with my pansy-assed Lodine. LOL j/k j/k <-lie, I'm not even joking.

    I am so glad you have so many people in your life not only willing to help you, but who are going to dammit no matter how much you try to do it on your own! It is HARD to be in this position. I would do anything to never be there again, and to keep people I love (like YOU) from being there. It sucks out loud. But I learned that when you heal enough to take that first wobbly step, it is all worth the bummer that recovery time has been. You will know, for certain, your strength in that moment. And that moment will happen very soon because, like myself, you won't have it any other way.

    Be gentle with yourself and know you have people far away, too, who love you and are here.

    • you are lovely, i’m so glad to have you back in my life again. ❤

      i keep telling myself that this is going to make me STRONGER – not just physically, but the fact that i have to let go of the ego and ASK for help is going to make me a better person. and that's all i could ever ask for!

      • Letting go of ego is harder than surgery recovery, me thinks. lol Hmm… you’ve made me think I could kind of look at it in the same way. They replaced my ankle with titanium. Maybe my teachers can replace my ego with love.

        Funny story: Before I went into surgery, they stuck a fentanyl patch on me. I just didn’t know what it was, so when I was on my way home from the hospital, I ripped it off. Then, being bored and all, I looked it up online. And insisted my mother search the trash for that patch. Xc)

        I’m glad to be a part of your life, Jenn. You enrich mine. ૐ

  2. It’s all true! Been waiting for a post op update! Also, for being on percocet and oxycodon, your post was very coherent! Nice job! In all seriously, I’m glad everything went ok!

    • thank you thank you! the doctor’s were all laughing because i seem to just have a really high tolerance for meds – i was chatting within minutes of waking up, and the oxy and percocet, along with the anti-nausea meds that they promised would make me a zombie, have done nothing to make me foggy. bodies are weird little creatures!

  3. I hope your super drugged up but not so drugged up that you don’t see this! I’m glad your surgery went well and you found such loving and caring people down in Kentucky! Also can you e-mail me your mailing address? I’ve got somethin’ for ya.

    alexandria.hubbard@gmail.com lub lub.

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