becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.



the range of motion in my knee has rebounded really well – my PT was very excited today, i had over 90 degrees of movement and it’s only been six days since surgery. i don’t mind doing the exercises – they hurt like hell, but as long as i know it’s a kind of pain that isn’t causing damage, i can hang on. but the thing i cannot handle is the lack of response i’m still receiving from my lower quad.

since the surgery, my knee is understandably swollen – can’t even really find my kneecap. in order to do a lot straight leg lifting and work in general, the part of the quad that needs to work the most and the hardest is the lower quad – the part right above the kneecap.

i cannot begin to tell you how maddening it is to sit there, with your leg straight out in front of you, telling yourself to lift it and keep it straight…and the goddamn thing doesn’t budge. or it does, but your knee immediately bends because you’re using your upper quad to grip.

i do not handle unruliness. i do not handle when my body refuses to respond to me. i just ran a half marathon in under 1:43, being untrained for ten days, not because i am a particularly gifted runner but because i wanted to goddammit. now, not even two weeks later, the fact that i can’t do the simplest of strength tasks because my leg won’t listen and react to what i tell it, is maddening.

i spent a good part of my life viciously fighting my body’s unruliness. fighting its natural tendency to grow a certain way, look a particular way. i finally and slowly came to accept the idea that my body wasn’t working against my mind; it was doing what it was meant to do, and my body being the way it’s meant to be is a beautiful thing, not something to wage war against.

but i cannot handle this…this complete lack of response from a body that i know damn well could respond just fine one week ago. if it cannot listen to what i’m saying, i just may go out of my mind. i busted my ass for the past 48 hours to get my rang of motion back for today’s PT appointment; now i have another six days to make magic and get my leg to start freaking listening.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

2 thoughts on “listen.

  1. You’ll do it! I believe you can!

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