becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.



just before my surgery, i made this post about how nervous i was about handling food and eating when i would be basically sedentary. i have gone from running 30+ miles a week, spinning once or twice, lifting four to five times, and teaching five fitness classes, on top of walking everywhere, to…being in bed and crutching to the bathroom to pee. and PT twice a week. talk about a HUGE adjustment.

when my nerve block wore of 18 hours after my surgery and my nerves had a hyper-reaction to the subsequent pain, the LAST thing i cared about was exercise or food. i was practically levitating off the bed with convulsions. that entire morning and into the early afternoon, when my reaction finally died down, all i could do was lay in bed and breathe, telling myself it would get better.

in the ten days following surgery, i dealt with nausea – from the pain medication but also from my blood sugar going wonky – and general lack of appetite. i picked at what food i could keep down, but mostly i drank ensure and fruit smoothies.

i would have freaking KILLED to be able to eat a burger. and i wouldn’t have given a crap about the calories.

now i’m twelve days out of surgery, walking with one crutch instead of two, and starting to feel a lot closer to human. yet i’m still rather uninterested as to whether my still-sedentary lifestyle is going to Make Me Fat.

because, seriously, i have so many more important things to occupy my mind. the past week and a half has shown me so much perspective. weight gain isn’t even on my radar; i’m focused on increasing my range of motion, strengthening my quad so i can get off of my last crutch, fighting through this terrible but very necessary post-surgery pain every day.

priorities can change,  your focus can shift, so simply and organically. i’m far enough out of the rabbit hole to know that some things just out-and-out trump eating disorder thoughts. if i let those into my head now, they will crowd out the focus and determination i need to continue to regain the use of this leg. i’m a tough individual, and this PT and the frustration of the loss of my lifestyle has taken a HUGE toll on me. if there was something else battling for my attention, in the wholly selfish way that an eating disorder does, i wouldn’t stand a chance.

instead, i choose to keep my eye on the real prize. because this one will be completely worth it.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

2 thoughts on “perspective.

  1. This is so wonderful to read! I’m still at the point in my ED where I’d be freaking out completely over being sedentary, so I seriously respect you for getting to this point. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    • thank you so much! i still freak a lot in terms of frustration – i ran a blazing half marathon four days before my surgery, and now i can barely squeeze my quad on command – but i’m ‘so far so good’ with the ED stuff. thanks for your comment. : )

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