i’m reading wintergirls today. yesterday i watched MTV’s true life: i have an eating disorder. the day before that (and that night, as i’ve been dealing with the worst insomnia since surgery) i watched the E! miniseries documentary what’s eating you?
basically i have spent the last 72 hours wandering through the wasteland of my past. glimpsing shadows of myself and wincing in the blue-grey light of my laptop screen in the dark. it has been years, yet the thoughts still lap at my heels.
there will always, i think, be a little pocket of myself who misses that version of life. who misses the simplicity of a world reduced to one thing and one thing only. it was horrible, yes – i pushed my family away for years, i lost friends, i had to drop out of college, i damaged my body, i entrenched thought patterns into my mind that i still struggle to re-route – but there’s something oddly comforting when you’re wrapped in that blanket of wooly haze. everything else is fuzzy and out of focus; it doesn’t matter. nothing matters because it’s all unimportant. you know the key to everything, the secret to the world, and you’re invincible. invincible, dammit.
it doesn’t matter that i have been out of that world for years. i can still remember the hum of caffeine in my veins, the endorphins that would pound through my blood as i stumbled back from the bathroom. telling myself i was completely in control, and actually truly believing it. feeling infallible. unstoppable. weightless.
it was a long time and a terrible time, with repercussions that will follow me my entire life. but goddamn do i long for it sometimes.