becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

boiling over


i found out yesterday that the other half of my TA funding, which had been hanging in limbo for the last few weeks, didn’t pan out. if i want to stay here for my PhD work, this coming fall i’ll have to pay (i was fully-funded this past year). and since my state residency application was shot down, i’ll have to pay a significant amount.

this led to a colossal meltdown. not solely because of the funding issue, but because this entire year has been a never-ending avalanche of shit.

my mom died right after new year’s.
our wedding was cancelled and the accompanying relationship is barely recognizable.
my dad got rid of our puppy.
the ‘routine, easy’ surgery i had has in actuality been a fucking nightmare. snapped IT band, fluid and possible cyst, insomnia, and nerve damage sound neither ‘routine’ nor’ easy’ to me.
speaking of surgery, my appetite has been so shot that besides losing all of the muscle i’ve busted my ass for five years to acquire, i’ve just in general lost so much weight that my bed springs bruise my hips while i sleep.
not being able to get a freaking job even though i know that i’m good at what i do, but that nobody will hire me bacause of my ‘lack of experience.’

i just want a goddamn break. every time something comes up – surgery, the potential TA position – i think, “okay this has got to go well, it’s finally my time to have a change of luck.”

and then it doesn’t happen, again, and i get that much closer to just giving up.

i know i sound whiny and immature, and so help me lucifer if anyone comments to tell me as much. i am just so goddamn sick of trying to be graceful. i am sick of pretending that i’m strong. i’m tired of cracking jokes and playing the part of somebody who is admirably well-adjusted and can just roll with the punches.

last night i was texting back and forth with a friend, and she said to me: “you have every right to hate the world right now.”

i responded: “good. because i kind of do.”


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

8 thoughts on “boiling over

  1. I agree with your friend!! I’ve never heard of such a shit-avalanche pouring down on ONE person in such a short time. You ARE strong, but you don’t always have to be. If you ever need to have a meltdown I (and so many others, I’m sure) am here for you! xoxoxoxo

  2. Darn ! You have the right to scream, rant, whine, whatever you want to do ! ! That’s a ton of Sh*t you got there . Hang in there ! I think you’ve reached the bottom. From hereon , things are gonna get better. Still……. the wedding cancelled, Mom died….. that’s too much.

  3. You sound whiney? No way. If I had to deal with just a fraction of what has been thrown your way this year, I don’t know how on earth I’d cope. I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this. I wish I could say or do something to make things just a little bit better. You are so strong though, just keep holding on – we’re all hear with you cheering you on and hoping for a change of luck. (((((hugs))))) xx

    • ❤ thank you! sometimes i don't feel strong, and i get so frustrated. but it really must get better – doesn't have a whole lot of options at this point!

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