becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

lights will guide you home.


i’m starting to feel so swallowed up. a week ago i was so excited with the progress in my knee – my strength was great, i was walking with one crutch, i was 10 degrees ahead of schedule on flexion. i developed the fluid/cyst issue on tuesday and since then it’s been a nightmare. the pain is unbelievable, and unpredictable, which makes it worse. i can’t work to increase my flexion because of all the fluid pressure. i’m doing everything they told me to do to flush out the swelling and it’s not doing jack fucking shit.

i am so frustrated.

i’m just…done with everything. i can’t work because i can’t walk. i can’t go home because i can’t drive or fly. i miss my dog but i can’t see her any more because my dad fucking gave her away. and i’m in a position where i either stay here and start my next degree but at the same time basically sabotage a relationship i’ve been in for over two years; or i drop my life here and move back up north with no job and no guarantee that we’ll even work out.

the only thing keeping me here and fighting is that i cannot put my dad through anything else. he lost his wife; that’s more than enough for one person to handle for a time. so instead i lay here. i shriek in pain every time i turn or roll or tense the wrong way. i try to take a walk but the pain is so bad and the heat combined with my blood sugar have me puking in a bush after fifty yards. i try to eat but generally either can’t or can’t be bothered. who cares, what does it matter?

nothing matters, not any more. nothing was ever what it seemed to be. including me.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

5 thoughts on “lights will guide you home.

  1. Jenn, first and more than anything else, I am so sorry things are beyond shitty right now. I so wish I were close (and not gimpy as well) and could, at the very least, lend an ear and shoulder.

    Reading your symptoms, and that you’ve had issues in your knees several times before, I wonder if you don’t have arthritis. They used to try to drain my knee caps, under-knees, inject steroids… never tested me for RA until I saw my GP and had symptoms of other issues alongside RA. Injury and/or surgery can really trigger the symptoms, even if the specific ones you’re having have never been there until now.

    If K loves you and really wants to be with you, she can wait on you to do whatever it is you need to do for *you*. Including getting another degree, if that is what you want. You both have all the time in the world.

    Being stagnant when you are so used to being active is a total 180, lifestyle-wise and just LIFE-WISE. I know this. It *will* pass and things *will not* always be as they are right now. Even if your knee continues to be a little pain in the ass, life goes on and you will find new ways of living it and doing things. This is coming from someone who has been in your position. There is a lot of grief, and you have this grief on top of all of this other grief. I cannot imagine how distressing it all is right now, but I *can* imagine some of it. And you are doing the best you can with what you have *at this moment in time*. Please keep telling yourself that.

    I love you bunches.

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