i’m starting to feel so swallowed up. a week ago i was so excited with the progress in my knee – my strength was great, i was walking with one crutch, i was 10 degrees ahead of schedule on flexion. i developed the fluid/cyst issue on tuesday and since then it’s been a nightmare. the pain is unbelievable, and unpredictable, which makes it worse. i can’t work to increase my flexion because of all the fluid pressure. i’m doing everything they told me to do to flush out the swelling and it’s not doing jack fucking shit.
i am so frustrated.
i’m just…done with everything. i can’t work because i can’t walk. i can’t go home because i can’t drive or fly. i miss my dog but i can’t see her any more because my dad fucking gave her away. and i’m in a position where i either stay here and start my next degree but at the same time basically sabotage a relationship i’ve been in for over two years; or i drop my life here and move back up north with no job and no guarantee that we’ll even work out.
the only thing keeping me here and fighting is that i cannot put my dad through anything else. he lost his wife; that’s more than enough for one person to handle for a time. so instead i lay here. i shriek in pain every time i turn or roll or tense the wrong way. i try to take a walk but the pain is so bad and the heat combined with my blood sugar have me puking in a bush after fifty yards. i try to eat but generally either can’t or can’t be bothered. who cares, what does it matter?
nothing matters, not any more. nothing was ever what it seemed to be. including me.