becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

restoration.

2 Comments

it’s no secret that surgery has totally screwed with my appetite and my weight. and even though i’ve found my hunger slowly coming back, my eating habits have changed. the list of foods that i find palatable is suddenly quite short, and i have to eat in teeny tiny portions or else i get sick.

that being said, today i got my period for the first time in about six weeks. when i was in pre-op they asked me when the last time i had one was, and i couldn’t remember. i guess-timated two weeks ago. it’s been four weeks since my surgery. so i’m approximately six weeks out. ergo, i’m long past due.

i am 28 years old and have been in a solid recovery process for four years, yet my period is still such an ambivalent thing. my eating disorder never really had anything to do with wanting to stay pre-pubescent or avoiding womanhood; my period was just always a marker of how acceptable (or not acceptable) my weight was.

i’ve skipped months here and there in the past four years – stress will often do that, or a change in my training program that shocks my body a bit. and while i’ve obviously been stressed these past four weeks, i have no doubt that i skipped my period simply due to weight loss.

there is a specific weight at which amenorrhea kicks in for me. it is by no means an unhealthy weight for somebody my height, and i struggled with this for years. ‘my BMI is healthy here, so why is it a problem? i can’t help that i don’t get my period.’

for so many years, having my period meant failure. it meant that i had too much body fat, was too big, too much. it meant i was normal, which was the very worst thing in the world to me.

but even now, knowing that i need to be healthy and i want to be healthy…a small part of me is disappointed every month when i’m again deemed a normal, average woman.

i am so proud of all of the progress i’ve made in recovery, and especially proud that after everything that has happened this year, i’m still fighting. and i will continue to fight the part of me that whispers that having my period means i’m fat, unworthy, a waste.

this is just a sign that i’m continuing to recover, get better. i’m proud of that. i will be proud of that. even if it means having to deal with tampons and cramps.

Advertisements

Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

2 thoughts on “restoration.

  1. You’re such an inspiration – stay strong! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s