sometimes i forget my mom is dead. i don’t live at home, so it’s not in my face every day. i can half-pretend that everything is as it should be. and then something funny will happen and i’ll think, ‘i have to e-mail mom about this when i get home,’ and the reality will slam into me like a wrecking ball. the impact hasn’t softened yet, and it’s been just over five months.
sometimes i think back to the funny, cute, sweet, wistful times that k and i had and i find myself walking around with some big dopey grin on my face. and then i remember that we’re not that couple any more, or even a couple. sadness like that is hollow – negative space etched into regret.
sometimes i’m so sure that everything will work out and that i’m on this wonderful path that i feel buoyed by a sudden gust of positivity and want to run around spinning in circles singing like julie andrews on top of the swiss alps.
sometimes i wonder if i’ve made the right decision. any of them. if any of them have been the right decision.
sometimes i completely regret this damn haircut. i know i donated my hair to a good cause and i was in need of a drastic change…but this shit is a terror. and because of the way i sleep and the way my hair likes to stick up, i look like a cockatoo, every damn morning.
come at me, bro.
sometimes i think about random things surrounding my mom’s death and just burst into tears. at home, in the car, in public places. it makes me grateful that is sunglasses weather.
sometimes i feel so desperately heartbroken over the loss of my mom, my relationship, anything resembling a functional right leg, and just generally the life i had six months ago that i feel as though if i exhale hard enough i’ll just collapse upon myself. my ribs will crumple, my spine will soften, and i will fold over and into my legs and meld into a pile of dust.
sometimes i look around and am so happy and grateful for my family, for the friends who have shown me so much extra love when i’ve needed it the most, that i feel as though this MUST be the way my life was meant to go.
i like that. i think i’ll end there.