becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

sometimes.

9 Comments

sometimes i forget my mom is dead. i don’t live at home, so it’s not in my face every day. i can half-pretend that everything is as it should be. and then something funny will happen and i’ll think, ‘i have to e-mail mom about this when i get home,’ and the reality will slam into me like a wrecking ball. the impact hasn’t softened yet, and it’s been just over five months.

sometimes i think back to the funny, cute, sweet, wistful times that k and i had and i find myself walking around with some big dopey grin on my face. and then i remember that we’re not that couple any more, or even a couple. sadness like that is hollow – negative space etched into regret.

sometimes i’m so sure that everything will work out and that i’m on this wonderful path that i feel buoyed by a sudden gust of positivity and want to run around spinning in circles singing like julie andrews on top of the swiss alps.

 

sometimes i wonder if i’ve made the right decision. any of them. if any of them have been the right decision.

sometimes i completely regret this damn haircut. i know i donated my hair to a good cause and i was in need of a drastic change…but this shit is a terror. and because of the way i sleep and the way my hair likes to stick up, i look like a cockatoo, every damn morning.

come at me, bro.

sometimes i think about random things surrounding my mom’s death and just burst into tears. at home, in the car, in public places. it makes me grateful that is sunglasses weather.

sometimes i feel so desperately heartbroken over the loss of my mom, my relationship, anything resembling a functional right leg, and just generally the life i had six months ago that i feel as though if i exhale hard enough i’ll just collapse upon myself. my ribs will crumple, my spine will soften, and i will fold over and into my legs and meld into a pile of dust.

sometimes i look around and am so happy and grateful for my family, for the friends who have shown me so much extra love when i’ve needed it the most, that i feel as though this MUST be the way my life was meant to go.

i like that. i think i’ll end there.

 

 

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

9 thoughts on “sometimes.

  1. I don’t “like” what the post is about, but the honesty that you shared. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s strange/hard to deal with when our reality is abruptly changed.

  2. I like this. Let your emotions be free girl. Feel what you need to feel. It’s part of being human. It’s how we change ourselves for the better.

  3. Beautifully honest post ❤ I especially love the ending 🙂

    I lost my Dad almost 2 years ago (he was my hero!) so at least in some way can relate to what you're going through (even though I appreciate it's so different for us all). Trust me when I say that 5 months is still early days & I know the pain is ever so fresh… I recall others saying "time is the greatest healer" & I'd think to myself – but how can that be, nothing can ever change the fact that he's no longer here & in his place I have this gaping hole inside which almost chokes me sometimes…

    If I've learned anything recently, it's that we as humans are incredibly adaptable… it takes time (& patience) but i'm finally at the stage where i'm beginning to be able to think of him and not feel that overwhelming sense of loss, but instead i'm filled with love & joy. His face or mannerism pops into my head randomly and instead of knocking the breath out of me – i laugh, or smile and for that moment it's like he never left. Our loved ones will always be with us & I learnt that it was only so painful at 'first', because what we had when he was alive (& will always have) was so very precious. I was blessed with such a wonderful father – and for that, I am truly grateful.

    Jenn, I really hope that soon (when you're ready that is) you'll able to smile too, your Mum is always with you… until then, rock those sunglasses girl!

    1 of my favourite quotes which has helped me a lot is: "Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal, love leaves a memory no-one can steal" I hope it brings you some comfort.

    • thank you so much – this is one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me. i take a lot of comfort in knowing that things will truly get better, and that the pain will ease. thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind words. ❤

      • Aw hun, you are so welcome. I love all of your blogs & think you are an incredibly strong woman who will get through this, all of it… & you’ll come out the other side wiser, stronger & better than ever. Things honestly WILL get better… slowly but surely ❤

  4. I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

    • haha i don’t know if this is spam or not – it was in my spam folder – but i like it so i’m posting it anyways. if you’re NOT spam – thanks very much!

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