becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

head full of doubt, road full of promise.

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there’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light.
in the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right,
and it comes in black and it comes in white
and i’m frightened by those that don’t see it.

there was a dream and one day i could see it
like a bird in a cage i broke in and demanded that somebody free it.
and there was a kid with a head full of doubt
so i’ll scream till i die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out.

“head full of doubt/road full of promise,” the avett brothers

a friend of mine texted me yesterday and suggested i listen to this song. so i went ahead and found it on the wonderful world of youtube, and quite love it. musically it’s beautiful, but the lyrics are what pulled me in. i mean, just the title it pretty fabulous. and by fabulous i mean, “oh hey that should be my mantra until further notice.”

i used to always remind myself that the scariest things i have ever done have ended up being the most rewarding. leaving undergrad #1 permanently and deciding to ditch pre-med life and go to a music conservatory? scary. moving 750 miles away from home to pursue my next degree? terrifying. deciding, in the wake of a whole host of events, to stay for a victory lap to the tune of a 3-year teaching contract and a PhD? still questioning that one.

the risk is part of what makes it great. i’m not an adrenaline junkie in the traditional sense, going bungee jumping and skydiving and crazy shit like that. i guess this is as close as i get to leaping off of bridges and out of planes.

i’m still incredibly conflicted about my decision to stay here in lexington for the next three years. i’m thrilled with the jobs i’ll have (teaching music theory and teaching yoga, does life get any better?!) and i love the people in my life here, and the fact that i’m going to have  PhD in the relatively near future is just about the craziest thing i have ever considered. but it came at the cost of my relationship, my engagement, my wedding, and my best friend.

that’s one bitch of a trade-off.

i ask myself every single day if this was the right choice. if instead i should have just packed up my car and driven back home, left lexington behind and made the choice to try and work it out with k and trust that a job with health insurance would work its way into my life.

that’s the way it happens in chick flicks, right? people throw caution and common sense to the wind and follow their hearts and everything works out before we’ve even made it to the bottom of our tub o’ popcorn.

i wouldn’t have made the choice to remain here if i didn’t think that the payoff would be worth it in the end. but that doesn’t mean i’m not conflicted, every single time i think about it. i lost a lot when i made the decision to stay here, but this choice holds so much promise. i have to hold strong to that, and make sure i fulfill it.

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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