becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

decline to nowhere.


getting my pain under control was supposed to be the turning point. rehab was going to take off after that.

it has, actually. 128 degrees of flexion yesterday. i can finally get around the bike backwards and forwards, which means i can now go to the gym daily to bike and keep working on getting my knee loose. i’m on the highest angle for the assisted body squats and i’m leg pressing 110#. my extension is good and i’m walking without crutches.

so what’s the problem?

i still can’t eat. and i’m trying. the first few weeks after surgery i was in so much pain i didn’t really give a shit. i ate applesauce and pudding and sometimes toast, and i drank a lot of ensure and chocolate milk.

i’m six weeks out now, and maybe one day a week i’ll have a normal appetite and, more importantly, be able to eat without getting a terrible stomach ache afterwards.

every time i stand up i black out and have to grab for the nearest wall or doorjamb. i know i have low blood pressure and a low pulse, but damn. this is ridiculous.

my insomnia is back and it’s just at the point of pissing me off now.

i’m going to try and get in with my primary physician before i fly home next tuesday, and probably get some labs done. i would like to say that it’s surely going to just be some slight anemia and call it a day. but let’s face it, this hasn’t been my year.

i’m just hoping that i already hit rock bottom, and this is just a teaser bump in the road on the way up.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

2 thoughts on “decline to nowhere.

  1. Stupid injuries and illnesses! *shakes fist at them* I really feel ya, here. I was doing a lot better before starting chemo and now I have one night a week where I can actually have some kind of a meal. I just stand in my kitchen and stare and nothing sounds like it will stay down, or I know it will make my stomach and esophagus burn… I’ve been reduced to Israeli couscous or a grilled cheese at night. On a good night I can finish it. But I end up getting sick any how, so have these moments of, “What’s the point? It’s all going to come back up anyways.”


    For your body to continue to heal and for mine to do whateverthehellit’sgoingtodo, we do need sustenance from somewhere, somehow. I am hoping you can get in with your doc and figure some things out.

    Do you like smoothies? Maybe that could be an easier way to try to get in vital nutrients???

    Exiting preaching-mode, I just hope everything calms down and your second-half of 2012 is a WHOOOOOLE f*cking lot better than this shitstorm the first half has been. So much in so little time will do things to a person. Even someone who is 100% stable and always has been. It’s impossible not to be affected. (i.e. You are not a robot.) Know, Jenn, that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and heart. ૐ ♥

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