becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.


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i can count the number of times i have weighed myself in the past three years on one hand. when i see the neurologist and the doctor and they weigh me, i pointedly do not look. and for the most part, my weight has been incredibly stable. my body itself has changed, in its proportions and composition, but i’ve pretty much been in the same range of a few pounds since i moved to lexington.

point being, i had a pretty good idea of my weight going into surgery. and it’s no secret that a lot of it – mostly in the form of muscle – has gone buh-bye since. i figured, though, since i got my period back and have now had it twice (TMI? never.) that i was okay. no amenorrhea, no problem.

even though i’m forcing myself to eat and to keep trying foods outside of the clif bar-applesauce-vanilla yogurt trio that my stomach can stand, i’m freaking miserable over here, and i know my body’s not happy.

the doctor didn’t weight me on wednesday due to the terminator leg, so before i left the locker room today i took of my brace and hopped gingerly stepped on the scale.

i’m screwed. i have lost the equivalent of a goddamn toddler. just under 20% of my body weight – gone. this is shitty on so many levels.

  1. now the number demons are having a hoe-down in my head. i can’t even.
  2. this has never, ever been a healthy weight for me. ever. period or not, shit is about to start breaking down.
  3. i’m going to have to gain all of this back. and it’s going to be a bitch. (a) because eating is still a physical disaster; (b) because i’m going to want to gain it back slowly and as muscle – aka as much as i would love to go to mcdonald’s every day (no really guys, i freaking LOVE fast food), that’s not going to do very much for my athletic endeavors. which at the moment are “re-learn to walk down a flight of stairs,” but whatever; and (c) i’m pretty sure the sheer process of gaining back THAT much weight is going to spaz me out mentally.

there are so many things i didn’t bargain for when i had this surgery. this would definitely fall into that category.

once i stop panicking i’ll write something that’s a little more coherent. there’s actually a piece i have on my hard drive somewhere that i want to post. i’ll probably find it circa 2014.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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