you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened…or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.
– tupac shakur
i never thought i would be starting out a blog post with a quote from tupac, but hot damn i love this one.
my trip home made me think a lot about ‘moving on’ as a concept and a practice. i spent a lot of time feeling angry and hurt that it seemed like my dad had ‘moved on’ from my mom’s death so unbelievably quickly. but as i talked to him the morning of my flight, i realized that he is still hurting and that he really does miss her every bit as much as i do. he just deals with it differently, shows it differently (or not at all, at times).
i’m never going to ‘recover’ so to speak from my mom’s death. it will always, always be a heartbreaking loss, and i will spend the rest of my life wishing she were still here with me. but moving forward is my only option.
and then i think about my relationship with k, and i could keep myself up every night from now until doomsday replaying the last few months, wondering what i could have done differently, how i could have maybe made it work. but in the words of a former therapist, “that’s crazy-making.”
things are as they are, and all i can do is make my life the best it can be.
…i’m back in lexington, partially moved into my new place. my bed is being delivered on monday and i should be totally moved in by tuesday.
…my knee is getting stronger and more flexible every day.
…my life is full of amazing people.
i don’t need to worry about picking up the pieces of my old life. i’m just going to go ahead and build a new one.