becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

and on and on; and so it goes.

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i’m not quite sure what i managed to do, but my pain has been through the roof for the past two days. it’s not pain IN my knee; rather, it’s right around the incision site, and it feels muscular. and it hurts. and when i lay or sit still, it throbs incessantly, making sleep pretty much an impossibility.

i thought we were done with this crap!

speaking of things i thought i was done with: my frustration with recovery, especially as it pertains to my current weight restoration debacle and concurrent body image doom, is wearing me out. i know that eating disorders know no age, but i’m almost 30 years old and i have been going around and around with this since middle school. some days i feel so defeated, like i’ve been spinning my wheels for a decade and a half, and to what end?

i’m trying to keep my eye on the prize (RUNNING again, and squatting, and being STRONG again) and not focus on the weight gain. staying off the scale would help; i have so many numbers rolling around in my head. weight and calories and protein grams.

when i look down at my body, i feel horrible, so dissatisfied. terribly out of shape and unattractive. but then i look in the mirror, and my upper back and shoulders look killer and my abs are nicely defined. yes, my legs are still two different sizes, but that’s a work in progress.

one little shift in perspective can change everything.

i have been focusing a LOT on strength. now that i’m okay to lift with free weights, i’ve been spending a lot of my time and energy at the gym working on new lifts, adding weight and reps every week, and generally just trying to get stronger. lifting, like running, makes me feel fierce, unstoppable, infinite. plus, as i gain muscle i know that my weight will go up; but seeing my bench go up, being able to shoulder press 25s instead of 20s, maybe someday being able to do an honest-to-goodness pull-up set unassisted…these are all things that will make the weight gain seem insignificant. not even a blip on the radar.

so yes, things are frustrating right now. old pain, old behaviors, old thoughts all lingering, returning, haunting. but i need to keep telling myself that this is all temporary; it will pass, if i let it.

 

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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