becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

like sand through your fingers.


i think the most frustrating aspect of recovery, for me, is that it never ends. there doesn’t seem to be a destination, a final resting point. instead, it’s like you’re forever slightly guarded, just a little bit cautious. because you never know when things can come crashing down around you.

and that’s how, after over three years of solid recovery, minimal behaviors, and no purging, last month i found myself purging like there was no tomorrow. over and over. for an entire week.

and i guess that’s how last night i ended up throwing up the tacos my roommate and i had made for dinner, purging in the shower until my heartbeat rang in my ears.

there is SO much focus right now on what i eat, how much i eat, what i weigh – not just focus by me, but by other people as well. it’s exhausting; i don’t want to have to think about it this much.

i don’t want it to derail me, to derail all of the work i have done over the years.

my PT told me this afternoon to wear my running shoes on monday. although she would like to see me get a little bit stronger before we try it out, we’re going to attempt a walk-jog series on the treadmill. this is what i have been pushing myself for – pushing myself to eat through nausea, eat tons of protein even though i may not be hungry, and fight the demons that are telling me that i look better thinner, that gaining weight – even if it’s muscle – is a sign of failure, of weakness and laziness and inadequacy.

i am finally going to run again.

i need this. and i need to USE this as motivation to keep fighting. i need to stay on top of my recovery, to not let my guard down.

running is a huge step. it can only propel me forward.



Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

6 thoughts on “like sand through your fingers.

  1. thats fantastic!! im in a similar position–I just got exercise back and literally, you have no idea how well my recovery has gone since–it makes me feel so wonderful and beautiful and motivated. hopefully it will be the same for you!! **note, i’ve had times where i’ve been devastated at how out of shape i felt, but it comes back quickly and hey, if you can beat an eating disorder, this is a breeze!! and its so fun and rewarding:)

    • thank you! : ) your encouragement made me smile. i’ve definitely loved being back at the gym and lifting again. being able to continue lifting well, to keep lifting more weight, and of course to get back to running are hopefully all going to be major motivators to keep up with recovery! : )

  2. I hate how recovery is a constant. That you’re either in it, and working hard, or out of it and engaging in ED. There’s no end point, or being completely fixed. There’s always part of you having to fight it.
    However, it is worth the continual fight, and focusing on the things you can do now helps. I really want to get back into working out, cycling, or whatever. I know I can’t really do that yet, but I guess that’s the destination of recovery.
    Getting to a place where you can do things without worrying you might pass out. Or where your heart doesn’t go crazy under your rib cage whilst still battling and thinking too much about food.
    Keep fighting. xx

    • ❤ yes – i have always wished that there was a big defining moment of – BING! you're RECOVERED! – but on the other hand, i love those times when you all of a sudden realize tha you're doing something that you never would have been able to do before recovery, and the fact that it ISN'T a huge deal IS the big deal. so it's a catch-22 of sorts. but you're right – well worth the continual battle!

  3. “i think the most frustrating aspect of recovery, for me, is that it never ends.”
    I know you’re not talking about your knee in that case, but man oh MAN, this is how I feel like for my knee! I went in for a completely normal 2 month post-op on Monday and ended up in urgent surgery on Tuesday morning… I had 4 more weeks until I could run again, but I think the date got pushed back because of the unexpected surgery. Either way, I’m still counting down the days until I get a piece of my life back.

    Keep pushing! You may or may not realize it, but your progress and determination is inspiring and motivating to others, so I thank you for that! 🙂

    • oh wow, i’m so sorry about the unexpected complication!! how scary and frustrating! hang in there – the weeks will go by and you’ll be running again before you know it! : )

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