i think the most frustrating aspect of recovery, for me, is that it never ends. there doesn’t seem to be a destination, a final resting point. instead, it’s like you’re forever slightly guarded, just a little bit cautious. because you never know when things can come crashing down around you.
and that’s how, after over three years of solid recovery, minimal behaviors, and no purging, last month i found myself purging like there was no tomorrow. over and over. for an entire week.
and i guess that’s how last night i ended up throwing up the tacos my roommate and i had made for dinner, purging in the shower until my heartbeat rang in my ears.
there is SO much focus right now on what i eat, how much i eat, what i weigh – not just focus by me, but by other people as well. it’s exhausting; i don’t want to have to think about it this much.
i don’t want it to derail me, to derail all of the work i have done over the years.
my PT told me this afternoon to wear my running shoes on monday. although she would like to see me get a little bit stronger before we try it out, we’re going to attempt a walk-jog series on the treadmill. this is what i have been pushing myself for – pushing myself to eat through nausea, eat tons of protein even though i may not be hungry, and fight the demons that are telling me that i look better thinner, that gaining weight – even if it’s muscle – is a sign of failure, of weakness and laziness and inadequacy.
i am finally going to run again.
i need this. and i need to USE this as motivation to keep fighting. i need to stay on top of my recovery, to not let my guard down.
running is a huge step. it can only propel me forward.