it’s wednesday night and i’m idly perusing my facebook newsfeed, getting ready for bed. my wednesdays are long and virtually non-stop – my ‘stops’ consist of time spent walking from the gym to class or the office and back – so the fact that i made it through this particular wednesday, complete with torrential downpour and very sore knee, is a huge relief. i’m feeling content and relaxed as i sit at my desk, scrolling down my facebook page.
i half-read the statuses that float by. one catches my eye: “isn’t it sad when you’re the only one in the relationship making sacrifices???”
the poster? my father’s girlfriend.
now let me take a break from this tale to state a few undeniable facts:
- my father drives back and forth to her home, about 2 hours away, on a regular (once or twice a month) basis to pick her up, bring her back to our place for a visit, bring her back to her town for doctor’s appointments, et cetera.
- every time i talk to him, they are either (a) going out to eat, (b) have just gotten back from going out to eat, (c) going to a show, or (d) have just gotten back from a show.
- for her birthday, my dad took her to NYC. they stayed a night in times square and saw ‘jersey boys’ on broadway. and i’m just gonna throw this out there, too – my mother wanted to see that show for THREE YEARS and my father wouldn’t go with her, because he hates the beach boys.
- my dad gave up our family dog in part because he wanted to be able to travel more, aka drive back and forth to pick her up, go out during days and nights, et cetera.
- in november, my dad is moving down to florida with her. from new york. it’s only a matter of time before he sells our house.
so there’s the fact that the post itself was just out and out untrue.
couple that with the notion that my father doesn’t have a computer, or any interest in them, and doesn’t even really quite understand what facebook even IS. by extension, he clearly was never going to see this post. so it (a) was basically your middle school-esque talking behind his back, and (b) dramatic.
and i hate drama.
and the best part? somebody commented with “don’t settle! he must be worthy of you!!” (to which she responded, “thank you!!”)
(insert expletive of your choice), my father is the best man i know. and he has been to hell and back since my mother died. in january. all of eight months ago. and he is in so much goddamn puppy love right now that it simultaneously breaks my heart, because it makes me miss my mom so much; makes me fiercely angry that he is treating this new person better than i ever saw him treat my mother; and gives me a level of comfort and relief that he is at least not lonely. but to question him being “worthy?” bitchplease. (although in the commenter’s defense – and we do happen to know one another – i don’t believe that she knows that this woman is dating my father, nor does she know my father at all. yet the sentiment still remains.)
we are not in middle school. this is not myspace. i do not do drama. i’m reluctant to even bring it up, because to even utter the words ‘facebook drama’ at the age of 28 makes me cringe. and even worse is the fact that the drama itself was incited by somebody twice my age.
where does this leave me? angry. missing my mom ferociously. off-balance for the past three days – on edge and not wanting to be around people. grinding my teeth at night and clenching my fists and jaw when i’m walking. sad. so goddamn sad.
if my mother hadn’t died, this wouldn’t be happening. if she were still alive, my life would be so different. even besides the fact that i might still be with k and i might have moved back up north and might still be getting married next month – if my mom were still here, i wouldn’t walk around feeling like i’m teetering on the edge of something terrible. i wouldn’t still burst into tears without warning, while i’m walking to class or driving to the store or washing my hair.
i wouldn’t be watching my father fling himself into a new relationship with a zeal that he never, in my 28 years of life, displayed with my mother, the woman who held our family together. and i wouldn’t be watching it wondering in the back of my mind if he wishes he had been with this woman all along.
and i wouldn’t be 28 years old and writing a ranting post about, of all things, facebook drama.