and by “should be” i suppose i mean, “was planning to be.” october 13th was our wedding date. the venue, photographer, and dj were all booked. my dress is still hanging in my bedroom closet back home.
it’s funny, as a kid/teenager i firmly believed i was simply not meant to be half of a couple. it wasn’t something that occurred to me in an epiphany or that i dug from the trenches of angst-ridden self-reflection. it was, quite simply, a fact. i attached very little emotion to it, nor did i see it as a particularly negative thing. i just…wasn’t the marrying type. and since i couldn’t see the sense in being in a relationship if you didn’t plan to marry, then by extension i suppose i wasn’t the relationship type, either.
which suited me just fine. until i was stupid enough to go and fall in love.
and now, a week away from what was going to be the happiest, best, most beautiful day of my life, i’m stupid enough to find myself sitting at my desk caught somewhere between a wall of impenetrable sadness and slowly simmering rage. i’ve been salty all day, don’t want to be around anybody, and wish it were socially appropriate for me to just curl up in a ball in my room and hermit until further notice.
i’m sick of wondering what went wrong. i’m sick of beating myself up for not being good enough, not grieving quickly enough, not being enough enough.
i’m sick of wondering what happens next.
what happens next is that i move forward. i have no pieces to pick up, i don’t want them any more. i’m just that twelve-year-old girl who was never meant to be half of anything.