i was determined to not be mopey on saturday. yesterday. that day that i was supposed to get married.
i slept in till eight, got up and put coffee on, and set up shop in the dining room to do work. banged out a stats lab, did a lot of research for two paper precis due this week, and started to tackle my reading for jazz class. i was getting all set and ready to get prettied up and go see phantom at the lexington opera house when my phone rang.
ever since my dad called me at 5:32 in the morning in january to tell me my mom had died, whenever somebody calls out of the blue i panic. so my phone started buzzing, and i looked at the screen and saw it was my uncle. while he and i are very close, we’re not really “call just to say hi” types.
nor was he calling to say hi this time. he was calling because he couldn’t get a hold of my father, because my dad has decided to move down to florida with his girlfriend. and the family trickle-down rule of bad news generally says that you call the parent, and leave it to them to disburse the bad news to their children. but since my dad was busy being retired in daytona, we skipped that step.
my grandmother’s latest MRI came back abnormal, and it appears that her cancer is no longer in remission. my grandmother is the most important woman in my life now that my mom is gone. and i have no idea how to handle this. i feel like i’m standing on the edge of some terrible freefall, like every time i think that it can’t get any worse…it does.
when i look back a year, i can’t even believe that was my life. i’m a completely different person now, with completely different goals and expectations and a completely different view on life. and while, yes, i am stronger and more compassionate than i was a year ago…i’m also more wary, less likely to trust, because a part of me is sure that everything good comes at a price. or at the very least, it comes with an end-date.
i want my mom here so badly i cannot breathe.