becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

take it to the limit one more time.


i was determined to not be mopey on saturday. yesterday. that day that i was supposed to get married.

i slept in till eight, got up and put coffee on, and set up shop in the dining room to do work. banged out a stats lab, did a lot of research for two paper precis due this week, and started to tackle my reading for jazz class. i was getting all set and ready to get prettied up and go see phantom at the lexington opera house when my phone rang.

ever since my dad called me at 5:32 in the morning in january to tell me my mom had died, whenever somebody calls out of the blue i panic. so my phone started buzzing, and i looked at the screen and saw it was my uncle. while he and i are very close, we’re not really “call just to say hi” types.

nor was he calling to say hi this time. he was calling because he couldn’t get a hold of my father, because my dad has decided to move down to florida with his girlfriend. and the family trickle-down rule of bad news generally says that you call the parent, and leave it to them to disburse the bad news to their children. but since my dad was busy being retired in daytona, we skipped that step.

my grandmother’s latest MRI came back abnormal, and it appears that her cancer is no longer in remission. my grandmother is the most important woman in my life now that my mom is gone. and i have no idea how to handle this. i feel like i’m standing on the edge of some terrible freefall, like every time i think that it can’t get any worse…it does.

when i look back a year, i can’t even believe that was my life. i’m a completely different person now, with completely different goals and expectations and a completely different view on life. and while, yes, i am stronger and more compassionate than i was a year ago…i’m also more wary, less likely to trust, because a part of me is sure that everything good comes at a price. or at the very least, it comes with an end-date.

i want my mom here so badly i cannot breathe.



Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

9 thoughts on “take it to the limit one more time.

  1. I;m sorry about your Mom, and your grandma. I hope things turn out well for her. I cannot even imagine what you;re feeling now. … so many things to bear and tackle. Not to mention your own issues. I hope you are well yourself.

    • thank you so much. it’s definitely difficult, and part of me wishes i could just drop everything and go home for as long as i please. i’m trying to just keep reminding myself that i get to go home in five weeks; just need to make it till then!

  2. 😦 Is your title in reference to an Eagles song???

  3. Life can really throw us curve balls. I’m sorry to hear about your grandma’s diagnosis. I’m very close to my mom, she’s my best friend and I can’t imagine her being gone… So I sympathize with you…I think when things hurt we naturally want to be with those we trust and love. It’s like our security blanket. My mom is now in her seventies and I find myself trying to stand on my own more…not allowing myself to talk with her twice a day. In my twisted mind I guess I hope it won’t hurt as bad when she’s not here anymore. Seriously? Of course it will.

    Sounds like you are in the Lexington area. We drive down that way several times a year for Legends games and we really like going to Southland Christian church for their Saturday night service. Some great places to eat there, too! Hope you have a good week.

    • thank you! yes i love lex – i’ve been here a little over two years, and two and a half more to go! a huge change from NY, but i really enjoy it.

  4. I have the same anxiety (<-doesn't seem like *nearly* strong enough a word!) about phone calls before or after a certain time of day, or repeated, missed calls. The day Nana died, I'd missed 11 calls from my dad. Eight years later and it still scares the hell out of me.

    I'm sorry that your (very reasonable) fear was re-validated. So, so very sorry, Jenn. *hugs* You are such a good person, and all I can think is, "Why does everything seem to be slipping away from her this year?" It's not goddamn fair. And I'm sorry that things have been so brutal for you. You deserve the BEST in life, not the worst.

    I love you, girl, and I'm here… even if I'm all the way down in FL (want me to go to Daytona and kick some butt?).

    I think becoming more compassionate can be a real Catch-22; we're more able to empathize and sympathize and feel more pulled to help, but we also feel the pain and suffering of other living beings, on top of our own. It becomes more so when they are the ones closest to us. But, at the same time, when someone else is suffering, our compassion can mean a lot to them. And I know yours will mean a lot to your grandmother.

    • thank you so much. ❤ it has certainly been a shitshow of a year! i'm truly not very happy with my dad right now, which is difficult in and of itself since we've always gotten along so well. i know that the best thing i can do is to continue to move forward…but i definitely kind of just want to punch things lol.

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