becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

there are a million things i should be doing right now.

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like putting my laundry away. or writing out my lifts for tomorrow and tuesday. or packing my clothes for tomorrow. or working on one of the minimum six major academic papers/presentations i have coming up.

instead i’m listening to bizet and blogging.

i got my period today. after six months of hiatus. i know i should be relieved and happy. my body is getting back to its pre-op functioning state. i’m starting to look less lopsided/my surgical leg is growing back its muscles. i no longer have to stress about my bones going (back) to crap because of the amenorrhea.

but instead i’m spazzing out because getting my period back means that i’ve gained weight. which i know i have – about two pounds of stayed-on weight. and while i know that two pounds is literally negligible in the visual sense, i feel bigger. and less muscular. and it’s pissing me off.

i’m trying to console myself with the 90# bench i put up this morning. and the fact that the very nice brosef i was sharing the cable row with asked me as we swapped off and he saw what weight i was pulling if i was a triathlete. and the fact that yesterday i ran nine glorious miles at a 7:55/mile pace and felt amazing the entire time. negative splits, no bonk whatsoever, no cramps, knee felt brilliant.

when i think about that, getting my period back doesn’t seem catastrophic.

but in the next breath i start to panic that i’m getting tubby and will continue to gain weight and it will be horrible.

and now that i’ve gotten that out of my system…i believe i should tend to some of those million things i should be doing instead of bitching and blogging.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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