i can honestly say i know myself very well. i’d go out on a limb and also say that’s because i spent a good portion of my life in therapy, but that’s beside the point. i very rarely “surprise” myself with things i do; i’m pretty predictable.
which is why i’m getting so damn frustrated with myself lately. i give zero craps about my coursework – i’m engaged when i’m in class, but then i leave and jump back into the whirlwind of work/teach/tutor/workouts/PT and when i get back to class a week later (i’m in three, once-weekly seminars), i have retained nothing.
…i have an exam on tuesday for which i have made study sheets and done the at-home portion (it’s statistics), but reading the study sheets i’m like…wait did i miss a day? or six? i have an A in the course so far, after two exams, but i’m chalking that up to my photographic memory and not actual information retention.
…i’m giving a presentation on wednesday in a course where i know the professor just wants to throw me under the bus because she thinks i’m dumb as a brick. and while i should be nervous and anxious and hyper-preparing…i worked on it for six hours yesterday, still have utter crap, and kind of don’t give a shit.
…i haven’t even chosen a topic for my final paper for jazz. or a piece for my improv. both were due two weeks ago (the topics, not the actual finished product).
ever since my dad left for florida, it’s like i gave up on everything else. i’m fully engaged when i’m teaching, lifting, or running…but any other time it’s like i can barely be bothered to inhale. my focus is shit, i’ve had a headache since august that i really need to get checked out, and part of me wonders if i’m even in the right field any more.
and then a day like yesterday rolls around where i have the entire day to do work, spend four hours on stats and six on my presentation yet feel like i’ve accomplished nada. i go grocery shopping as a break from the monotony, b/p until two in the morning, and sit here now thinking: totally saw that one coming.
i know myself and i know that’s how i react. and it’s not even that i feel powerless to stop it; it’s that i don’t give a shit.