edit: i wrote this last night but somehow it didn’t publish. so i’m posting it now and trying to not be too irate about it.
i don’t know why, but i was missing my mom so immensely today. to the point that i cried while i was stretching (6:30am), while i showered (7:45am), while i walked to take my statistics exam (9:00am), and all-out sobbed while i listened to “tea and toast” (2:00pm). three cries before noon is usually a sign it ain’t your day.
lately i’ve been wondering if all of the effort i put into being “the strong one” after my mom’s death – taking care of the life insurance and pension stuff so dad didn’t have to, jumping right back into classes and work less than a week after the funeral, not taking any time off or concessions because i (thought i) wanted to keep busy and play like everything was normal – is coming back to bite me now.
my concentration has been shit for months. i can’t even properly read a chapter or an article because the second my mind wanders, i think about the morning my dad called or the car ride back to new york that day or the whirlwind of activity the days before the funeral. flashbacks, memories, snippets, sound bites. it’s a constant infiltration; no matter how badly i want to sit down and do my work, my brain just won’t cooperate.
i have made it such a point to not use my mom’s death, or anything else that has gone wrong this year, as any sort of excuse. i don’t want my professors feeling bad for me, and more importantly, i don’t want anybody to have even an iota of a reason to feel that i’m trying to “get out” of things.
but maybe – finally – i’m going to have to acknowledge that i’m a lot more wounded than i ever believed.