becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

that awkward moment…

8 Comments

…when somebody who i don’t know personally, but who  knew my mom, comments on a post i left on my mom’s wall a few weeks ago. i had left a wall post saying that i would be flying home for thanksgiving soon, and that i would miss having her there. one of the responses i got was how i “shouldn’t miss her” because she’ll be there in spirit, and how she loved me “from the moment i was conceived.”

really? because i’m pretty sure i was adopted. and that my mom miscarried twice and then could no longer have children. and so they got me instead. when i was three months old. so that whole conception thing…yea nah.

that’s for starters.

but more importantly: i shouldn‘t miss her?? and then another comment i got straight-up asked me WHY i thought she wasn’t going to be there. um…because she’s not? because she died ten months ago? call me a literalist, but when i think about wanting somebody to “be here” i mean physically. here. in the same room. alive.

i appreciate that somebody was trying to make me feel better or comfort me, really i do. but i’m getting damn sick of this “don’t be sad! you have an angel watching over you!” bullshit. i don’t want an angel, dammit, i want my mother back. here. alive.

and i’m going to be sad, and i’m going to miss her. i don’t know why that is shocking to people. i don’t find comfort in the idea that she’s “watching over me.” not right now. maybe in a year, or even a few months. but not right now.

…i wrote this on the back of my syllabus during class wednesday night.

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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

8 thoughts on “that awkward moment…

  1. Stupid things stupid people say to those who are grieving…I could write a book. Hey I’m on wordpress…hum….Never mind that right now. I think people try to give words of comfort and almost always if not always fail miserably at it.

    Of course you want your mom there; of course you’re going to be sad. For someone to insist that you NOT be sad is just a moron or one of those lucky people (so far) that hasn’t lost a loved one.

    You have a guardian angel watching over you now. Well goody goody, I’d rather be able to hold hands with her than to have her lurking out of my sight just watching me. I want to talk to her! Be with her! Hug her!

    I get it. I’m sorry that people are stooped sometimes. I just think of Jesus on the cross and telling God, “forgive them for they know not what they do (say)”. It doesn’t help all the time, but it does once in a while.

    • thank you so much for your words! i’m learning that everybody grieves so differently, and each of us who lost her are handling my mom’s death in our own ways. i think for some people, thinking the “guardian angel” route helps them feel like she’s not really gone; for me, it seems delusional and like we’re avoiding reality. which is why i get frustrated, because i’m way too pragmatic for that!

      but thank you again for your words – i’m so glad somebody understands and i don’t sound like a raving nut!

      • lol! No you don’t sound like a raving nut. You are right about grieve…everyone handling your mom’s death in their own way. Because grief is as unique to each person as each person is unique,

        If they want to believe that she’s a guardian angel, good for them! Just don’t shove that idea down everyone else’s throat, that’s all.

        I am sorry for your loss. It’ll get a tiny bit easier (not EASY) as time passes.

  2. It never ceases to amaze me how people say the wrong things at the wrong time. They mean well…to comfort you..to make themselves feel better, like they helped you through. Honestly, no one GETS it except the person going through it because it’s a personal journey and one that everyone walks differently.
    There is a huge church near you that have some counselors on staff. Now please don’t misunderstand my intent here..I’m not suggesting your going crazy or even that you need a “shrink”. What I’m talking about is a licensed counselor that understands this isse and has experience working with people. http://www.southlandchristian.org/contact/person/jennifer-wallace/.

    It just helps to just be able to talk to someone that isn’t going to judge you. Currently, my job is an admin for our church’s teen and children’s minister. We have someone on staff that is a counselor. She sees mostly non-church member people in her office. At least once a month I’m on her comfy couch releasing a lot of STUFF that I have no one to talk to about. It gets me through and keeps me sane. Some people get embarrassed to admit they see a counselor. Not me! I think it really helps a person heal.
    Sheila

    • thank you! i appreciate everything you offered me here! and i’m not offended in the slightest – i spent the better part of eight years in some sort of intensive therapy or another, so i’m a veteran who completely believes in the power of a great counselor! i’m lucky that, for the most part, i feel as though i have adjusted well to my mom’s passing. i have great familial support as well as amazing support in lexington. but every couple of weeks all of the little things lead to a mini-rant on my part haha. luckily, i have a few good friends who don’t mind sitting quietly while i yell and cuss, and then once it’s out of my system we can laugh about it! : )

  3. First of all, I absolutely loathe what I call “should language”, especially when it’s directed at one person from another. It’s not someone else’s place to “should” anyone about anything, especially *this*. Whether intending to be helpful or not, this person had no right whatsoever to say that to you.

    I was three-months at adoption, too. And when my biological mother and father shagged up in the back of that truck, I’m fairly certain that my mom and dad, who were trying desperate to conceive, didn’t have some psychic moment the second the sperm “oops” made it to the egg wherein either went, “BUT! We’re going to be able to adopt a baby in several months! Let’s love her from her conception, which just happened!” In other words, people who don’t know you and don’t know what they are talking about need to just not talk/type. Whether our moms and dads love(d) us as their natural children or not, they sure as hell didn’t know to love us from the moment of conception because they didn’t know we were being conceived. So that was just ignorant and I wonder how she likes the taste of her own foot.

    Yes, you *will* miss your mom, no matter if it’s been a week or a year or a decade. It’s natural. She’s your MOM and holidays without loved ones are painful, even if we enjoy the loved ones who are still alive. I’m sorry this clueless person invalidated you like that, even though I doubt it was intentional. You have a right to your feelings, your grief, and to comfort. She had NO RIGHT to go spouting off ignorance.

    *hugs*

    • thank you thank you – i detest the word “should” whenever it’s directed towards feelings, too! so frustrating. it’s funny because, all things considered, i’m dang proud of how i’ve managed my mom’s death. so when somebody suggests that i’m “doin’ it wrong” i kind of want to high-five them in the face.

      • You (here it comes….) *should* (<-gag/hypocrisy in motion) be proud of how you have handled her passing and handled yourself and your own life since that time. You have done an amazing job and anyone who has not been here to see that, or hasn't the insight to grasp that, really has no place judging. Not that any one way is right or wrong to begin with, but you have handled this in a way I don't think many people would be able to.

        Maybe you oughta backhand the next person with some brass knuckles.

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