…when somebody who i don’t know personally, but who knew my mom, comments on a post i left on my mom’s wall a few weeks ago. i had left a wall post saying that i would be flying home for thanksgiving soon, and that i would miss having her there. one of the responses i got was how i “shouldn’t miss her” because she’ll be there in spirit, and how she loved me “from the moment i was conceived.”
really? because i’m pretty sure i was adopted. and that my mom miscarried twice and then could no longer have children. and so they got me instead. when i was three months old. so that whole conception thing…yea nah.
that’s for starters.
but more importantly: i shouldn‘t miss her?? and then another comment i got straight-up asked me WHY i thought she wasn’t going to be there. um…because she’s not? because she died ten months ago? call me a literalist, but when i think about wanting somebody to “be here” i mean physically. here. in the same room. alive.
i appreciate that somebody was trying to make me feel better or comfort me, really i do. but i’m getting damn sick of this “don’t be sad! you have an angel watching over you!” bullshit. i don’t want an angel, dammit, i want my mother back. here. alive.
and i’m going to be sad, and i’m going to miss her. i don’t know why that is shocking to people. i don’t find comfort in the idea that she’s “watching over me.” not right now. maybe in a year, or even a few months. but not right now.
…i wrote this on the back of my syllabus during class wednesday night.