it’s been about six months since k and i broke up. and i’m starting to get questions from friends and family – “is there anyone new in your life?;” “dating anybody yet?;” “when do you think you’ll jump back into the dating pool?”
my response is usually prompt and certain: i’m as single as they come and plan on staying that way for a very long time. maybe permanently.
let’s face it – i work well single. i barely have time to keep myself together right now; i wouldn’t function well as half of a couple on top of it. in a shamelessly selfish way, i like my life right now. i get up early, have 2 hours to myself at the gym, go to class and teach and do work during the day, teach or run or both and then shuffle home after dark with just enough time and energy to get myself ready to do it all again the next day. i love my colleagues, i love the people with whom i live, and my jobs are the best. i don’t feel like i’m missing any integral parts of myself or of a happy life.
yet there are times when i miss us so much that it takes my breath away. times when i desperately miss the silly text messages or the skype dates or how excited we would get when we were going to see one another. and although i’m ferociously independent, there are still times i miss needing somebody.
and i’m trying hard to miss that less, because the person i feel like i need doesn’t need me back. and i hate, more than anything, the idea that i’m being “that” girl. the one who still texts and calls her ex while her friends whisper behind her back about how sad and pathetic it is that she can’t let go. the one who is hanging on to a pipe dream long after it’s reasonable to hope. the one who misses a dozen chances with somebody new because she’s holding out for the one who left her brokenhearted in the first place.
i’m not so worried about missed chances, though. i don’t think a chance counts as a chance if you’re not ready to take it. and, on so many levels, i’m absolutely not. i’m only ready to build on the life i have right now. to stop telling myself i need things that i cannot have. and to learn that sometimes fairy tale endings stay on the pages of the story books.