becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.


“knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. when we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as an escape”– bell hooks

my roommate refers to me as an introvert, which initially i thought peculiar – i stand up in front of classrooms/studios full of people putting on a dog and pony show for a living, multiple times a day. my undergraduate degree demanded that i be on stage or in some sort of performance situation almost daily.

yet while i’m completely comfortable being in front of people…i don’t particularly like being around them.

when i want somebody to be a part of my life, and i let them in, and let my walls down, the more relaxed side of me comes out. that side of me that laughs loudly and talks nonstop and could spend all day sitting in the dining room talking about everything over coffee or wine or the raspberry wheat shock top ale i am STILL dying to try.

but when you get right down to it…i like being alone. i grew up an only child in a house on the outskirts of town, no neighbors. i became amazingly adept at self-entertainment, and to this day i love nothing more than to spend an  afternoon curled up on the couch reading an entire book or cross-stitching until my feet fall asleep.

which makes it all the more strange that i’m still finding times when i so desperately miss my former other half. times when i roll over in the middle of the night and wish with all of my half-asleep heart that i was wrapping myself around k, not simply reaching into air.

i know how to be solitary. i’ve done it all my life, in one way or another. but re-learning how to be alone after you’ve experienced the other side…that’s a whole different ballgame.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

3 thoughts on “

  1. i CANNOT tell you how much i relate to this post. as of late, i have become an introvert and i am naturally one who can talk easily to brick wall. i find myself easily okay with sitting at home, under my pink blanket watching my shows..being my myself. yet, i do not enjoy the company i keep at times. i have been away from my ex for over two years, yet i still long for her. longing to have her wrapping her arms around me despite that we both struggle with the same addictions. overall, i get completely how you feel.

    • ps. i as well grew up as an only child in a very country like town not knowing my neighbors and to this day i do not know them nor care to find out about their personal lives. i think we have similar experiences and as you know i know k from the past and i hold her dear to my heart despite not seeing her for long periods of time. but know are are not alone..

      • aah lisa thanks so much! it’s frustrating sometimes because i equate being okay with being by myself, with “i’m going to be a crazy cat lady because i’m anti-social.” i know that’s not true lol but it feels that way sometimes!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s