becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.



i really did get my ass handed to me at this race today. my initial goal: 1:15:00. which i would have been able to do, maybe, pre-op. so i re-evaluated and thought, 1:18:00 is more realistic. that’s about the pace i ran for the derby half last year. but really, i’ll be pissed if i run anything slower than a 1:20:00.

cue: me being pissed, because my time was 1:22:52 and i rode the struggle bus the whoooooole ten miles.

i ran the first four right where i wanted to be – 7:40ish pace, clean as can be. but i never felt like i dropped into the pocket, never felt like i was in any sort of zone. and i mentally started to break down. i walked, either through a water/gatorade stop or to pull a twizzler out of my back pocket or, twice, just to fucking walk, probably nine times. i generally walk through water stops past the fifth mile or so of a half, but i’ve never, ever, just walked.

i was a hurtin’ unit. the entire time. i was seriously miserable and had no idea why i think this shit is fun or enjoyable.

i know i’m coming off major surgery. and that my legs aren’t as strong as they were pre-op. and that i’m also battling this obnoxious cold which has sapped me of my usual energy.

but i’m still pissed. and disappointed. and frustrated. i placed 82/360ish, and 6th in my age bracket out of 30. my knee fared really well; my calves are dying because the course had a shit-ton of long, slow upgrades. mentally those completely tax me; apparently the beat me up physically, as well.

my stomach is finally (5 hours after crossing the finish line) starting to not feel like crap, so i’m going to consider making something for lunch/dinner soon. i also have apple beer. that too.

tomorrow would have been my mom’s 62nd birthday. i’ve made an executive decision to spend it doing what she always encouraged me to do, which i tend to forget to do otherwise: i’m going to freaking relax. read, write, cross-stitch, maybe go to marshall’s or barnes & noble or target and idly shop. i’m not going to do anything i don’t want to do, and i’m going to try to smile more than i cry.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

4 thoughts on “smoked.

  1. After all the surgery, and the accompanying aftermath ( pain, etc ) , I’m glad you were even in the race. Rejoice ! ! And stay well.

    • aw thank you. : ) i know i’ve had a crazy year and that i’m doing really well all things considered – i need to calm my competitive spirit and focus on my progress! xoxo

  2. You finished, didn’t you? I think that is great. Some days you / I just don’t have it. Log your race and your race prep and move on. Its a benchmark that will only get better the next 10 miler. You got one under your belt. How many runners finished behind you? I wish you well tomorrow. That day is way more important than today I think. xo

    • : ) thanks so much! i’m going back and forth between being disappointed and just being happy that i’m running this well less than a year out of surgery. tomorrow’s a day to re-group and rest up, and i’m hoping to feel much better about everything come monday!

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