becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

the other l-word.


i’ve been shamelessly watching season 1 of the l word for about the tenth time. and while i love the show – and always will, because it’s that awesome – i was getting these awful twinges of sadness while i was watching.

when dana and lara first start dating, there’s this sweet silliness to their relationship. it’s full of awkward moments and embarrassment and tripping over words. but it is so goddamn sweet you can’t help but smile.

when i first started dating k i was literally afraid to touch her. i was 5 years older than her, half a foot taller, and i was her first girlfriend. i was terrified i would scare her away if i was even slightly forward, so i tiptoed around her – almost literally. we never had any of those super awkward “asking out” or “first date” moments, because we never really had a formal first date. but i just remember having constant butterflies, wanting to bear hug her and never let go but at the same time being afraid that if i came too close or touched too hard she would disappear like a mirage.

when i made door decorations for my residents the year that k lived on my floor, in the spring i made zodiac sign tags. out of 20+ people in the wing, only two of them were “cuspers” (people born on the first or last day of a sign, who are said to be “on the cusp” and possess qualities of both signs) – myself, and k. when we started dating we would joke that we were doomed – two girls and all those girlie things, plus FOUR zodiac signs. definitely doomed.

it was funny because everybody, us included, assumed we would be together forever. that nothing, especially something as silly as astrology, could break us apart.

clearly not so funny any more.

k is the one who told me about the l word in the first place, and who watched it with me when i first saw it. she bought me the 6-season box set for christmas last year; i couldn’t fit it in my luggage when i went back to lexington after mom’s funeral, so i left them with her. when i drove through CT over the summer to pick up my winter clothes after we had broken up, it never occurred to me to get them.

it’s a good show. funny, well-written, great characters. and yes, the women are damn attractive. but watching it makes me strangely sad. sad for having been so in love. sad for what i lost. shit, sad for the fact that we don’t have a cool lesbian hangout like The Planet in lexington.

yet i suppose, as always, it is what it is. i never would have expected this to gnaw at me for nearly an entire year, to slowly chip away at my sense of self, my sense of self-worth, and sometimes my very sanity.

you love. you lose. but through it all – indeed, sometimes because of it all – you live.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

3 thoughts on “the other l-word.

  1. I totally relate to this. my ex girlfriend and i watched the L word and it was our “thing”. mind you, we were not NEARLY as cute as you and k with your ability to have a complete conversation in your own language. she and i broke up 2 1/2 years ago and it still gnaws at still utterly head over heels in love with her. does it ever get better??

    • lol we kind of did have our own language. if my phone had ever gotten stolen, my text inbox would have been illegible to anybody else.

      i was talking about this with a friend the other night, and she told me that i was torturing myself. in a way i think she’s right – it most definitely feels like torture. i’ve spent the past year trying to be “better” so that maybe she’ll “take me back.” and i’m slowly realizing that there was nothing wrong about me in the first place; what’s meant to be will happen, and i just need to hang on until then.

      • ive been doing the EXACT same thing. your friend is so right…in your situation at least. my was a relationship that was doomed. both girls entrenched in ed and substance abuse at the time of said relationship. met in an ed support group. we are better off apart than together :/ but recently reconnected via fb and are sort of friends? its odd..

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