i’ve been thinking lately – this blog would probably be a lot more “popular” so to speak if i chose one theme and stuck to it. it could be a running blog; a blog about overcoming the grief of loss of a loved one; a lifting/strength blog; a recovery blog. any of these topics would, if i stuck to them for more than three minutes, garner me a niche in the blogosphere and followers looking for that specific thing.
however, (a) i do what i want, (b) i’m fickle, and (c) i don’t like the idea of having to try and “be” something that maybe, in that particular moment, i’m not. because, as (b) states, i’m fickle.
i have noticed, however, that whenever i write a recovery-oriented post, i gain a handful of new followers. which is awesome – i’m always glad to have people reading – but then i feel like a huge let-down when, after three weeks, i haven’t uttered another word about recovery or body image or beauty standards.
you see…the longer i truck along this path of Recovery, with its ambiguous and almost mythological final destination, the less inclined i am to talk about it. for starters, it’s not very interesting. i no longer have those “in your face” struggles. my recovery consists of…continuing to do the same thing i’ve done for the past 3+ years. i don’t count calories or macros (save for protein, and that’s just because i lift heavy and keep a gentle watch on getting enough protein to sustain that), i don’t give a hoot about how many calories i may or may not burn at the gym, and i almost threw myself a party when i realized that my compression shorts finally had a booty to compress.
and while this may be impressive considering the years (and years) i struggled to be kind to myself, to tolerate and then like and then maybe even love my body (even though we all know how i feel about that phrase), and to appreciate my health and athleticism…it makes for a damn boring blog.
and as far as “real life” is concerned, i find it less and less appealing to let people know my past. mainly because it’s irrelevant to any relationships, professional or otherwise, i currently hold here. and also because, the few times i have told people, it becomes this little nugget of information they can’t seem to dislodge from their brains. and all of a sudden, all they want to talk about with me is their diet and exercise. which are both topics that i have no desire to discuss with anyone beyond a doctor or a coach.
it took me a long time to realize and believe that i am more than my eating disorder. to believe that people will still care about me even if they’re not worrying that i might drop dead in front of their eyes – that i’m worthy of love just by being me, and that i don’t have to be sick for people to care.
and now that i’m there, i’m terribly uninterested in ever going back.
so if you’re reading this and struggling or working on your own recovery…i’m sorry to say that well-thought-out posts like these are few and far between here. mostly i ramble about training and my mom and how pop-tarts are 2$ a box all summer. recovery is funny in that the more of it you have, the less conspicuous it becomes. until all of a sudden you stop in the middle of your day, while you’re out enjoying lunch with your friends or going for a walk just to enjoy the sun and not to burn off calories, and you think: “this…this is awesome.”
and i promise you – it is.