i think we can all agree that yahoo! is not exactly the news mecca of the internet universe. but yesterday they managed to completely outdo themselves with this gem of an article, entitled “how to fake a bikini body.”
there are so many things wrong with this – and i’m talking just the title here – that i could write a post on that lone. but of course, once i saw the article’s title i had to go ahead and click to read the article. the equivalent to rubbernecking on the freeway.
but let’s start with the title: “how to fake a bikini body.” the issue, i suppose, is what (to yahoo!) constitutes a “bikini body” to begin with. there seems to be this idea in popular media and social culture that the only bodies that should be clad in bikinis are those that are slender, “toned” (i hate that word but that’s for another day entirely) but not too muscular, tan, and generally as close to looking like the airbrushed magazine models as possible.
you know what a bikini body is, yahoo!? it’s a body, in a bikini. end of story. it doesn’t matter if that body has a flat stomach or not, is tan or not, is a size 0 or a size 32 or anywhere in between or outside. if it’s a body wearing a bikini…it’s a bikini body.
but like i said, i couldn’t just stop at the title – i had to go and read the insipid article in its entirety. it was pretty brief – i’m pretty sure i’ve had grocery lists longer and more elaborate – and summed up five key strategies to help you fake your way to a bikini body (barf).
point #1: dress to flatter, meaning buy bikini bottoms that sit higher on your hips to create a “narrowing effect.” instead, how about: buy a bathing suit that fits you well and that you feel good wearing?
point #2: block it out, meaning use colorblocks to “make you look trim in all the right places.” or, in my world: go for a swimsuit that catches your eye and expresses your personal style. for me, that’s bright colors (you guys have seen my running shoes, come on) and/or fun prints. for somebody else it might be something retro, plain, printed…for heaven’s sake get something that you’ll have fun with!
point #3: glow baby, glow, meaning get tan to “emphasize or fake a toned physique.” coming from a pale irish girl, this is some straight-up crap. yes, bodybuilders and fitness/physique/bikini competitors slather on the fake tan for competitions. but if you’re just going to the beach or the pool, and self-tanner isn’t something you’re accustomed to or comfortable with…please don’t feel like you should try it in the name of “faking” a “better” body.
point #4: OMG, shoes, which lists shoe styles to avoid, and those to gravitate towards in the name of “elongat[ing] the legs and mak[ing] them look thinner.” i don’t know about you guys, but if i’m going to the beach or the pool, the only thing going on my feet are the first pair of flip flops my hands touch when i reach in the closet. if you like wearing flesh-toned wedges, that’s awesome; but simple comfy sandals are totally fine.
point #5: avoid the noid, which i honestly had to look up because i didn’t know what the hell a “noid” was. well apparently, The Noid is the Domino’s Pizza advertising character. so in other words, this point is suggesting you stay away from pizza. but not just pizza! also sugary foods and juices and beverages which “tend to make you look and feel bloated.” avoid nothing you don’t feel like avoiding, i say.
what’s the point of all my ranting, then? the point is that we all were given these bodies. and they all look different. and they’re all beautiful. nobody should feel like they have to “fake” a certain look to be more appealing or more socially accepted. and your day in the sand and sun shouldn’t be about trying to look a particular way. you look like you for a reason! so please, yahoo! – get it together. we all have bikini bodies; let’s enjoy them.