becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.


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the day after tomorrow i will drive home. this hasn’t really, completely hit me yet, and i’m still wrapping my head around the idea.

it’s a 12-hour trip. i already set aside my black dress and shoes, since the funeral is friday.

yesterday i finally sat down and wrote what i’ll say at my grandmother’s service. it’s not too terribly long, has some funny elements, and it’s pretty much good to go with little editing from here on out. i went to panera after i lifted and wrote it there. good, because i focus better in public places; bad because i cried buckets and had to attempt to hide that from everybody.

today is pretty open and i’ll spend it cleaning and beginning to pack. i just got new tires, so the JettaJalopy will make it to NY in one piece.

it’s strange to look back and see how much my visits home have changed in the past 18 months. christmas of 2011 it was a full family, k included. my father accidentally drank eggbeaters instead of eggnog at my grandmother’s house that christmas, and my mom laughed so hard about it she fell off the ottoman.

less than two weeks after that she was dead, and the one thing that had stayed stable since then was that whenever i went home, i could always go to grandma’s house, with its comforting smells and always-full cookie jar.

this past thanksgiving i ran a 5k in the morning and then dad was going to his girlfriend’s family’s house for a while so he dropped me off at grandma’s so i could shower and we could go to the family dinner together. after i had finished getting ready we were sitting on the couch talking and i don’t know how the conversation went where it did but without me even saying anything she knew how much i hated that he was running around with somebody else. and she didn’t judge me or tell me i should be happy for him; she held me and cried with me.

that was the last time i was home, and it was the last time i saw her outside of a hospital.

our house is on the market now, so i don’t know when i’ll going back up again. i’m just hoping to get there safely and that the days pass as painlessly as possible.


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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