becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.

untouched.

6 Comments

I haven’t held your hand in eight months and the human skin replenishes every twenty-seven days. You’ve never touched this skin and I don’t think you ever will.
the day i decided to stop contacting you, i put a post-it on my wall and started keeping a tally.
for months i had known that the only time we talked was when i reached out first. and even though i told myself one, three, sixteen times to just stop, the centripetal pull back to you was too much.
my tally is at 25 days now. five neat sets of hash marks on a bright pink post-it.
it’s like an advent calendar. only instead of getting a piece of chocolate every day, i get a little piece of my self-worth back.
it doesn’t feel good, knowing you’re somebody’s option. knowing that when somebody can’t make it through dinner without texting their friends back yet takes two days to respond to you, what they’re really saying is “you are unimportant.” i let it eat away at me, let myself wonder if i could change it – maybe if i was extra thoughtful and extra funny and extra cute you would think i was worth it.
but there is none of that now, none of that any more. in just two days i will be a wholly new person on the outside from the day i started my tally. in two days you wouldn’t recognize me. i wear my new skin like i wear my new heart: softly and gently but with steel underneath.
in two days i will molt and i will take down this stupid pink post-it because if 27 days is enough time to grow a new skin it is surely enough time to dispatch of the last layer of my heart you will have ever touched.
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Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

6 thoughts on “untouched.

  1. This is really powerful. I wish you well on the journey and though I don’t even know you, I am proud. Stay strong because you ARE worth it.

  2. I’m going through very similar feelings at this very moment. Reading your post made me remember that I’m not alone. That I’m not the only one going through hard times in a relationship. That my feelings about my self worth are not mine alone.

    Great post. Thank you. It helped me, even if just for five minutes.

  3. Reading this gave me chills. I found strength in your words and I too started my tally. Thank you for sharing your experience and making me realize what I already knew. I hope you’re doing well and that after finding your self worth you’ve been able to heal! Thank you again!

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