becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.


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this blog has been around for a while. among other things, it’s been here through the beginning of my relationship, our subsequent engagement, and the mess that was our break-up. that was nearly two years ago.

and now, for the first time since i started dating k, i am having the strangest experience: i have a complete, 100% crush on somebody.

now k and i started dating in the very beginning of 2010. some basic math will tell you, then, that it’s been almost 4.5 years since. that, my friends, is a long time to go without butterflies, and i had forgotten how that goofy giddy feeling can completely transform you. as silly as it sounds, everything has been better these past few weeks. all in part due to this dopey, schoolgirl-like feeling i’ve been carrying around.

for a long time after k and i broke up i clung to the idea, the belief that we would eventually get back together. and i think part of that was self-protective – i didn’t want to allow myself to fall for somebody else, anybody else. because what if they broke my heart too? no, it was easier to hold out, keep my past relationship in my back pocket and say, “no i can’t consider anyone else…because what if?”

i’m uninterested in ‘what if,’ i’m uninterested in what could have been or what might someday be. i’ve made a lot of tentative decisions the past couple weeks regarding my somewhat-immediate future, and i’m really pleased that i’m going to be putting some semi-permanent roots in a place that i have come to love, with people who i call family.

and one of those people also happens to give me butterflies.

maybe nothing will come of it. probably not. but that’s not the point; the point is i’m one step closer to being whole again. after mom died and k and i broke up and i lost normal use of my leg for nearly a year, my self concept was completely shattered. i’ll never get my mom back, but i’m finding ways to honor and remember her well; my knee is great and i’ve found a new sport that i adore and that makes me feel amazing; and this is like a final piece of the puzzle.

i know goofy silly crushes don’t last forever, but i’ll be damned i’m gonna ride this one out for as long as i can!

(back to your regularly scheduled posts about lifting heavy things.)


Author: jenn

impossible to define; indefinitely impossible. maybe i'll add more here later.

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