becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.


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if there’s a grid, i’m off it.

six days out from my meet and i’m in that headspace where i have complete tunnel vision.

making weight is going to be a bitch – i’m carrying a lot more lean mass than in october, so cutting to 56kg is going to get gnarly. i’m hovering around 60.5kg right now, and that’s a 3kg drop since last week – water and some body fat, since i was totally a little fluffy to begin with.

but yea, for the next six days i’m going to be living and breathing this meet. in between i still have to teach and go to class and watch the Cats win their 9th national championship (and my blood pressure has gone up about 39576 points this tournament thanks to them) and continue drinking obscene amounts of water and eating great things like unseasoned ground turkey and unsalted everything.

i’m going to be as aesthetic as a short square brick-human can get come friday morning when we dry me out, but until then…well, bear with me because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

we timed my meet prep really well; i’m peaking just at the right time. my openers are picked (200/121/276) and as long as i hit my second attempts (220/132/303) i have a crack at a 700 total. i’m excited. i’m nervous. and i have to pee every ten minutes.

i really just need to make it to and through weigh-in. once i see that 56.0 pop up friday morning i’m going to (a) probably cry with joy, only i’ll have no tears because i’ll be do damn dried out, (b) mainline pedialyte on the drive back to lexington, and (c) start plannig how i’m going to crush this meet.

it’s gonna be good. i just need to be a hermit for a little while longer.

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a tale of two loyalties (and why i can’t choose just yet).

this has been brewing for about a week and it’s been driving me crazy to not write about it – but i wanted to make sure it was a go before i got all excited and things.

if you’ve been here for a while, you know that since my surgery i’ve gotten more and more into strength training and lifting. since, ya know, i couldn’t run. (or walk.) and now that running has been safely integrated back into my life for the past six months, i’ve had a really hard time reconciling two very different training styles and goals.

running has been incredibly important to me, especially since my mom died. it’s how i work through sadness, grief, confusion, general malaise…it has, in many ways, been a lifesaver.

lifting, on the other hand, has been this crazy fun journey. every morning i feel like i’m going to the playground – what can i add to my plan? can i go up in weight or reps? how am i going to get stronger today?

i started out barely able to bench an open bar; yesterday i pressed three singles at 105# comfortably. in november or so i deadlifted for the first time, at 65# – the bar and a 10# bumper plate on each side; last week i pulled 225#, albeit with the ugliest lockout in the world. i love conquering new things, new weights; i love seeing the growth and feeling strong and powerful.

one of my favorite parts of running is the actual training leading up to – my ultimate favorite – race day. i love getting to the start line and knowing that, at the end of the day, you’re competing with nobody but yourself and your PRs. and i love racing – the adrenaline, the high, the accomplishment, even the shitty finish line photos.

and i’ve started thinking – what about lifting? how freaking awesome would i be to get out there and compete in a powerlifting competition?

answer: pretty damn awesome, i’m sure. problem? (a) i have no clue if i’m doing this shit correctly; (b) my squat, ever since surgery, is beyond abyssmal; and (c) i wouldn’t have the first idea about how to go about actually competing.

which led me to my friend google. which led me to this guy. which led to a verbose and awkward email on my part, followed by a meet-and-greet this past monday. we talked all about my athletic history, my surgery, my goals. i told him i want to compete; we agreed to meet today.

he asked what i was concerned about; i answered that 156% that would be my squat. so of course, today we would squat.

in case i haven’t bitched about it sufficiently, my squat is a measly 130#. like, that’s my 1RM. poop on a stick. justin told me we would triple that today. i laughed.

i tripled 135# three times.

we worked out two kinks right away – bar placement (moved it down a smidge) and driving my knees out. i always thought i did, but when he told me to exaggerate it, 115# flew up like air. and then…135# happened.

we did a ton of hamstring and glute work and i’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow. but i couldn’t care less because i am THAT excited over my squats.

there’s a powerlifting meet in lexington on october 12th. and i want in. badly.

i love running, and i love racing…but i want to try this, i feel almost as though i need to. it’s not going to be cheap, by any means – running is about the cheapest damn sport you can find. powerlifting, not so much. but i’m frugal to a fault and have a nice nest egg built up. i’m okay with chipping into it a bit, and picking up as many extra classes as possible at the gym this summer.

i don’t know quite how to articulate it, but this is something that i want so badly to try out. maybe i’ll hate it and never want to do another one, in which case – it was an experience, and no harm no foul.

but maybe – and i feel like this is much more likely – maybe i’ll love it.

you can’t pass up an opportunity to try something you might love.