becoming infinite

always learning. always growing. always lifting heavy things.


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recap and precap.

in a nutshell: my grandmother passed away on friday and i have had zero interest in the internet machine. on thursday i wrote her what i knew was going to be the last letter i would ever send. i mailed it to her, but also emailed it to my uncle, who read it to her that night, because we were pretty sure she wouldn’t make it until it arrived on saturday.

we were correct.

i have cried so much since thursday that my eyelashes have been falling out.

my uncle asked if i would speak at the funeral, which is next friday.

i’m driving home on tuesday.

i have a race tomorrow and it’s supposed to be a complete washout but i don’t care. i’ll run in a monsoon. i need to just lace up and go.

i’ll be back, and i might even write something coherent and possibly witty or thought-provoking. but right now i’m going to cry some more of my eyelashes out as i head to bed for my early race-time tomorrow.

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apologies and odds & ends.

i’ve been a total turd and haven’t replied to posts, have hardly read posts, and generally have been playing ostrich the past few days.

my grandmother isn’t well and it breaks my heart. my flight to FL leaves tonight at eight, and i’m praying that everything goes okay so that i can just get down there and spend the next five days with her. next to my mom, she’s the most important woman in my life; after my mom died, she became that much more important to me. more on all of this later…

i DLed with my coach (that sounds weird – i have a coach?!) on monday. a lot of form diagnostics. we narrowed my stance, and talked about how my upper back is my weak link (which i kind of suspected since i have trouble locking out my heavy singles). pulled up to 215# – ten pounds shy of my max, but it came up well and locked out cleanly, if a little slow – and then did some deficit triples and a widowmaker (20-rep set) at 95#, touch-and-go style. added in some face pulls for upper back work, and glute-ham raises because my hamstrings are lamesauce.

also did DL doubles at 185# after my 215#, and since i was wearing shorts i had to chalk up my thighs because the bar was sticking to my sweat. TMI?

did rack pulls up to singles at 205# today and they felt really good. also got to do DB snatches – i love DB snatches!

i haven’t even pulled my suitcase out of the closet yet. my ride is coming in 3.5 hours.

i have also come to the conclusion that gatorade G2 tastes way better than powerade zero. in case you were curious.

three posts in draft-form right now. i swear i’ll get there, guys.

 

 


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the other l-word.

i’ve been shamelessly watching season 1 of the l word for about the tenth time. and while i love the show – and always will, because it’s that awesome – i was getting these awful twinges of sadness while i was watching.

when dana and lara first start dating, there’s this sweet silliness to their relationship. it’s full of awkward moments and embarrassment and tripping over words. but it is so goddamn sweet you can’t help but smile.

when i first started dating k i was literally afraid to touch her. i was 5 years older than her, half a foot taller, and i was her first girlfriend. i was terrified i would scare her away if i was even slightly forward, so i tiptoed around her – almost literally. we never had any of those super awkward “asking out” or “first date” moments, because we never really had a formal first date. but i just remember having constant butterflies, wanting to bear hug her and never let go but at the same time being afraid that if i came too close or touched too hard she would disappear like a mirage.

when i made door decorations for my residents the year that k lived on my floor, in the spring i made zodiac sign tags. out of 20+ people in the wing, only two of them were “cuspers” (people born on the first or last day of a sign, who are said to be “on the cusp” and possess qualities of both signs) – myself, and k. when we started dating we would joke that we were doomed – two girls and all those girlie things, plus FOUR zodiac signs. definitely doomed.

it was funny because everybody, us included, assumed we would be together forever. that nothing, especially something as silly as astrology, could break us apart.

clearly not so funny any more.

k is the one who told me about the l word in the first place, and who watched it with me when i first saw it. she bought me the 6-season box set for christmas last year; i couldn’t fit it in my luggage when i went back to lexington after mom’s funeral, so i left them with her. when i drove through CT over the summer to pick up my winter clothes after we had broken up, it never occurred to me to get them.

it’s a good show. funny, well-written, great characters. and yes, the women are damn attractive. but watching it makes me strangely sad. sad for having been so in love. sad for what i lost. shit, sad for the fact that we don’t have a cool lesbian hangout like The Planet in lexington.

yet i suppose, as always, it is what it is. i never would have expected this to gnaw at me for nearly an entire year, to slowly chip away at my sense of self, my sense of self-worth, and sometimes my very sanity.

you love. you lose. but through it all – indeed, sometimes because of it all – you live.